Everyone deserves to feel sexy, and so a shy girl’s guide to feeling sexy is the least we could do. For those of us who grew up under the sleek and uber-feminine aesthetics of the 90s and 00s, we know the vibes. Perhaps we were slightly misguided about overall definitions of femininity and sexiness being encapsulated in a perfectly glossed lip or a slinky pair of Scooby doos (Jay Z voice), but it is a useful place to start, I think. Sexiness was then, and still is now, about a confidence that speaks on your behalf. It is the key ingredient that makes it make sense because yes, true to your childhood daydreams, you are video vixen/ main character/ it girl worthy. Even still, many struggle to step (strut) fully into their sexy side.
Breaking out of your shy girl era is easier than it seems. Shyness could truly mean many things. Whether you’re an introverted, reserved, listen-and-observe type, new girl or simply live life on the safe side, you still got a not-so-secret sexy side. If you’re yet to connect with it, there may be a blocker worth addressing. One common blocker to fully actualised sensuality is the ‘good girl complex’. In short, this is the idea that people pleasing and being praised for being quiet or willing is a main source of validation. It’s easy to see how operating in ‘good girl’ mode can block personal expressions of wildness, carefree expression and power, all of which are present in sexy femmes. Easing away from your inherent sexiness is easing away from a vital part of your personality. Hence, this hot pink, lipstick-stained shy girl’s guide to feeling sexy. You’re welcome.
Just like sharpening a new skill or learning a language, believing in your sexy takes a minute. It’s like flipping the record and discovering a whole new version; welcome to side B of your self expression. I hope you find it hard to leave. As a former shy girl, here are some tips to help bring you out of your shell and into the sexiest, softest spotlight made just for you.
A shy girl’s guide to feeling sexy:
Validate all parts of the self
Firstly, being sexy isn’t technically an act. If you know yourself, you can authentically be yourself. It’s much harder and clumsier to show up as sexy when you don’t believe that you got it. We’re not here to toss out your alter ego entirely, we just don’t need her right now. As a first step, it makes sense to welcome all parts of yourself, and do so with nothing but adoration. Take all the time you need.
A sensual life
It’s time to incorporate pleasure-seeking habits into your life, every single day (don’t be scared). I once met a guy who kept a bowl of guavas on the table, just because he adored the aroma. This here, is the standard: entice yourself with what feels good, and repeat. The point is to quite literally feel sexy, with whatever you choose to indulge in. Wear oils and body butters that make your skin feel otherwordly, make a habit of self-massaging or massages with your partner, buy the pleasure wand you’ve always wanted, only wear scents that make you feel elevated – you get the idea.
Get comfortable joining and listening to conversations about sexual liberation
Being comfortable stepping into your sexy era includes talking about it. With an impressive variety of podcasts dedicated to women sharing their stories and sexual experiences, you’re in good company. If you’re looking to indulge in dating escapades and some messy stories, we recommend the WHOREible decisions podcast. If you want a sex-positive community that empowers all things about women’s bodies and pleasure, try Sensual Somatic’s Instagram.
OK, so. This is a step you can’t skip, (and why would you miss out on an opportunity to bask in yourself?). Spending precious time with your reflection is key to building a more intimate relationship with yourself. It takes the ‘gaze’ back and allows you to privately adore all that you see. Historically, Black women’s sexuality has not always been kept sacred or private; this is a chance to enjoy yourself freely and without spectators. Whether you’re trying on your favorite dresses or whining to your favorite tunes, it’s the perfect way to dwell, unstoppably, in your sexiness.
Did you know that yoga is another tool to add to your sexy-girl routine? Yep, roll out your mat and get into your cat-cow, there are some positions that target just the right parts of your body and chakra system to stimulate your sex drive. Between hip-openers and yoga positions to practice with your bae, there really is a yoga position for everything. Yoga improves flexibility and helps move stagnant energy around the body, which makes sense if you want to shed your shyness and have a full-bodied type of life.
Find your personal style (spoiler, it’s giving sexy)
Feeling sexy isn’t just about sex, it is also about awakening another side to how you view yourself. Start by cleaning through your closet and donating anything that no longer represents how you want to show up in the world. Try to center yourself here, rather than the world or a specific person. If you don’t like the way that dress/ those shoes/ that underwear no longer suits your body, it has to go. Add pieces that you feel damn good in, and let that be the benchmark. There’s no point in having a wardrobe that doesn’t do justice to how gorgeous you know you are. Vintage finds are cool and all, but it’s hard to feel sexy in clothes you’ve owned for literally a decade… Usher in the new era with a bit of allure.
Shortcuts for the senses
It’s time to invest in mood lighting, luxurious candles, a silk gown or robe, if you will, (the type that kept your grandma’s bills paid). How fitting would it be to incorporate this into your nighttime self-care routines, just because? Let’s rebrand and call them self-care ceremonies. Never underestimate the power of setting the scene, even and especially for yourself.
Gift yourself some new lingerie, of course
This age-old trick had to make an appearance in this shy girl’s guide to feeling sexy because new lingerie does something to the spirit. Treat yourself to some well-deserved lacy treats for an immediate confidence boost.
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