I had the pleasure of interviewing the lovely K. Michelle recently for another Blavity, Inc. vertical, Shadow and Act. During our incredibly candid conversation, K. Michelle said something very profound. Of course it was something I knew subconsciously, but to hear it verbally stated, affirmed my knowledge. K. Michelle’s latest project’s title, “I Am The Problem” pointed in the direction of accountability. Previously she told her story from “the level of understanding where she was at at that time.” This time around she’s examined herself and the role she played. In reflecting over those moments, K. Michelle delivered this jewel: “I believe you have to deal in self and self worth. Actual self-work is action. Day to day living. I don't think it's a class or course or book.”

Affirmed, I gathered my thoughts because for so long, I’ve felt that I couldn’t read my way to becoming whole or follow someone’s guide. Could I learn about others’ walk through literature ? Sure. Could I pick up a few tips to help me deal with things? Of course. Going to the therapist is a great resource, ideally. However, we know the real work is done at home. Gaining a different perspective is always wise, but real self work isn’t something you read or download a "How To Guide." She was absolutely correct. Growth isn’t in a book or a healing course we take. It’s the conscious effort we make to identify areas of lack in our self and diligently nourish them. It’s diligently taking account of areas that need improvement and working to improve those areas. For K. Michelle and so many,  “life happened. Fear happened. Embarrassment happened”. Life humbling us with experiences is usually our greatest teacher.

We don’t see the world in its totality until we experience things and from there understanding is brought forth. 

I looked at my mother who was very strict and guarded with me as a person who was unnecessarily mean. When my dad had given me permission to go places and do things, my warden of a mother would deny me the freedoms my father granted. I couldn’t understand why she had to verify people multiple times with in-person meetings after a phone conversation or explore the location of an event days prior to the event. It always felt as though she was casing out the place. She always made sure I had transportation to and from events, money for a ride, food and a mode of communication. It wasn’t until the Fall semester of my freshman year, I understood why she did that. When traumatic experiences occur, your mind replays events to make sense of them. After being violated, I could hear my mom’s voice. “I rather be safe than sorry. Somethings a sorry can’t fix.” It wasn’t until years later when I shared the experience with my mother that I understood in totality. 

I’m sure I could have done without the experience to understand my mother’s concerns and behavior, but that wasn’t my vehicle of education. 

Experience taught me. It taught me that I was sheltered from a lot of the bad the world has to offer because of my mother’s diligence in protecting me. And while her vigilance is to be admired, my first sign of freedom, I gambled with my mental health. She allowed me to make decisions for everything in my life except where I am going and with whom. I am not blaming myself or my mother for being violated, the onus is on my violator. I am taking into consideration flags I ignored for the sake of “being grown” and why I chose to ignore those flags (a story in itself). That’s where my growth comes in. I’m at a place where I can look at my situation and say “Yes, this happened to me, but what part did I play?” Again I’m not placing blame on myself, just understanding that my need to be rebellious caused me to make an uneducated decision that affected me greatly. 

There are tons of self help books out there and even more digital consultations to help you grow, but unless you as an individual make a conscious effort to seek growth or even apply the tools you’ve sourced or been given, then it’s a moot point. No one can help you, but you. I can talk about my experiences all day. I can reference great reading material and even share pointers from therapists. However, nothing that matters if you aren’t willing to do the work, then you aren’t willing to grow.