It’s a new age. One where some are actively working to dismantle antiquated systems that don’t honor the full spectrum of womanhood. Though many people were raised on the imagery of being agreeable housewives who sacrifice and smile, more and more women are standing more loudly in their controversial truth. That includes everything from being the household breadwinners to deciding to opt out of motherhood altogether.

However, while the interrogating and rebuilding is underway, earlier generations may not quite buy into the progressive agenda. Parents may try to reinforce the very ideals that don’t align with their children of the younger generation, and it’s important to navigate those conversations with empathy yet unwavering loyalty to your truth.

Telling Your Parents You’re Not Having Kids

Whether it’s your first or seventh time having the conversation, it’s never easy to break the news that you want to be childfree to your parents, especially ones emotionally invested in being grandparents. Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind while navigating the conversation.

Understand Their Perspective

In order to have any kind of constructive disagreement, it’s important to take time to understand the other’s perspective. They’re not your opponent— they’re your family. While every case is different, most of the time, parents aren’t bewildered by the choice of not having kids for the sake of disagreement; they just grew up with different ideals and can’t contextualize having a choice. When you remain aware of the fact that they’re coming from tradition and naivety rather than the desire to be the enemy, it makes it easier to keep the conversation rooted in compassion.

Explain Your Reasoning

While we’re all online witnessing the progressive rhetoric, they’re typically not. From climate change to a suffering economy to gun violence, be transparent about your apprehension so that they see the humanity within your reasoning. If your reason for skipping out on parenthood is simply because you don’t have the maternal desire, that’s completely valid. Just be honest about your why in order to garner their empathy. It may also help to present data and statistics on how many people your age are making the same decision and why. You don’t necessarily want to walk into the conversation expecting it to be a tense debate, but it’s smart to be prepared. Doing so can help assuage the common concerns they may hurl at you, like “Who will care for you in your old age?” and “You’ll miss out on the best thing that will ever happen to you.”

Instill Healthy Boundaries

If it’s a triggering topic, it’s important to let them know it’s not one you want to discuss often. Don’t be afraid to protect yourself by setting firm boundaries around what’s appropriate to ask and what’s not. You deserve to protect your peace and not have to be on the defense during every family gathering. If they’re unwilling to honor this need, perhaps suggesting family counseling or bringing in a mediator could be helpful.

Don’t Tolerate Manipulation

Whether they’re doing it consciously or unconsciously, it’s easy for parents to guilt trip by pulling the “we deserve grandkids” or “you’ll regret this later” card. All that matters is how you and any potential partner feel about the matter, so stand firm on whatever decision you’ve made while refusing to take on any emotions that don’t ultimately belong to you. Their anxiety is theirs and your confidence is yours.

You’re Allowed To Change Your Mind

There’s nothing more complex than being human, and the emotions that inform our decisions wax and wane constantly. Don’t feel imprisoned by a choice you’ve made, especially when there’s enough time and resources to change it. What matters most is that the choice is authentically yours and in devotion to making YOU happy— not anyone else. Your parents brought you into this world, but there’s no obligation to live your life for them.

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