Marriage is, among many things, hard work. It takes intention and emotional investment, the consistent act of choosing one another. However, it’s certainly an easier commitment to make when you’re in the honeymoon stage vs seven years in, navigating a period known as the seven-year itch.
Described as a time in which couples enter a lull in their relationship, there may suddenly be a lack of passion in your connection seven years in. Due to the settling in of monotony and routine, your marriage may feel boring or isolating, invoking a sense of restlessness or confinement. While some studies prove a spike in divorce rates around the seven-year mark, that doesn’t necessarily mean every couple will go through it. Some couples may find themselves more in love as the years go by, while others may experience significant lows earlier (or later) on.
21Ninety spoke to five couples about their seven-year itch experience, including how it manifested for them and advice they’d give to couples earlier in their marriage.
Q: Did you experience the 7-year itch? What were the signs and symptoms?
Tiffany: I think it’s safe to say for the both of us, having been together for 10 years, the seven year itch is not an instance. I’d say it’s more of a concept and a reality that inevitably hits any couple. It can happen in five, seven, or eight years and from there, it is something that ebbs and flows in the relationship. Disconnection is a big sign. When conversations begin to get “surfacey” or it gets harder and harder to make time for sex. They become symptoms of a larger problem. Lack of time, exhaustion, frequent disagreements or nitpicking at one another become external barriers to intimacy.
Jamie: No! In fact, both my husband and I had to Google what it was.
Keyona: I think at the time I didn’t even realize we had reached 7 years together. But looking back it was definitely a period where we felt we were living two separate lives, things had become routine and I know I became distant. I remember us arguing constantly over the most random things but in reality it was all about the lack of closeness we felt, we just didn’t articulate it.
Tia: Yes, we definitely experienced this. We married in 2011 and in 2018, we were basically a mess. We were both struggling with mental health, had little to no community and social life outside of his family. He also hated his job. So flirting in my DMs with an ex was a way for me to escape my reality. It wasn’t so much an itch to escape the relationship, it was an itch to escape myself.
Hailey: It manifested as restlessness in the relationship. Seeing the relationship as the source of problems. Codependency turned to resentment.
Q: How were you intentional about navigating this time?
Tiffany: In our case, it was usually one person in the relationship who brought up the awkward silences and lack of deep conversation. They immediately connected it to how it was making them feel (i.e. alone, undesired, frustrated.) I would say it is up to the other to receive it by listening and tempering down any defensive reaction because this is a moment of vulnerability.
Jamie: We both go to therapy, have gone to therapy together, and celebrate the fact that we are at another year of loving each other.
Keyona: In all honesty, I wasn’t.
Tia: We weren’t, that’s the point. We just ignored it and concentrated on getting through the weeks, because his mother told us that’s what we should do. That our 30s were hard and you just gotta out your head down, take your antidepressants and bust ass. Since I didn’t have a community, I didn’t realize this was bad advice. I wanted to leave where we lived so bad. Then she told us we should buy a house, so we did.
Hailey: I can’t say we knew what was happening at the moment, just that there was a lot of discontentment.
Q: What was the hardest part about the seven year itch? How did it strengthen your relationship?
Tiffany: The hardest part is the fear and anticipation that they won’t want to continue choosing you. For us, we remind each other that we are choosing to be in this relationship every day. The scary part about moments of disconnection is wondering if there might be another road or option that is “easier.” But often, the vulnerable conversation around how we’re feeling, is what strengthens our relationship. The more honest we can be, the greater our bond becomes and leaving the relationship feels like the last thought on your mind.
Jamie: With every year, we know more and more about each other. The longer you’re together, the more in tune you are with one another. We addressed issues as they came up (together or with therapy and books, etc) and honestly our relationship is the strongest it’s ever been. I’ve never felt so solid in our relationship.
Keyona: For me, the hardest part was definitely my own internal monologue. After being together for so long through so many stages, I started to question what I was missing. What I wanted, what was “normal,” if I was genuinely happy. But it strengthened our relationship by us understanding and accepting the ebb and flow of it all. It made us more assured in our commitment.
Tia: The hardest part was the isolation. Feeling like I couldn’t look into anybody’s eyes and be understood. Not even my spouse, who I had made vows to. We were both so dissociated. COVID was really good for us, actually. So was getting on meds. But during quarantine, he was WFH with our newly adopted dog, and he was happier. We started to enjoy each other’s company more. We started laughing more.
Hailey: We are each other’s first and only long-term relationship, so had never hit personal ruts before while in a relationship together. We didn’t know how to identify the phase we were stepping into. It was a realization that were just two kids learning how to deal with our emotions and that the easiest thing to do is take it out on your partner. It took a lot of personal growth for us to realize, “Hey, this isn’t even really about us. It’s about me so I’m going to fix it.” When the relationship is the problem, we’ve also tried to be conscientious about bringing it up as soon as possible. Also understanding that relationships ebb and flow and that’s just life. Ride the wave, don’t try to stop it.
Q: Is there anything you’d do differently if you could?
Tiffany: Start individual therapy sooner!
Jamie: Ask each other what we felt we were lacking sooner before it became an issue. But that was a few years ago, now we communicate way better and don’t let things become a big deal.
Keyona: Definitely be more open in expressing what I was feeling. At the time, instead of me addressing the lack of closeness and alignment we were experiencing during that period, I started pouring more of my energy into my friends and sought emotional intimacy elsewhere.
Tia: Get on mental health meds earlier. Get a diagnosis earlier. Move out of a place where, after half a decade, you don’t have any friends.
Hailey: In hindsight, I understand that our 7-year itch had more to do with restlessness in our personal lives than the relationship itself. There were definitely dynamics in the relationship that were making that discontentment worse, but ultimately, it was our personal shortcomings that didn’t allow us to show up as the best partners. In the future, whenever everything seems to be going wrong in the relationship or I’m blaming the relationship for my unhappiness, I think I learned the lesson to turn inwards and see what needs to change within myself first. It could be big changes like a new career or moving cities, or simply just learning a new skill or taking up a new hobby. We are made to grow and evolve, so if we stray from that, its natural to feel off balance.
Q: What is some advice you’d give to couples approaching their 7th year of marriage?
Tiffany: We think each couple should invest in individual therapy. It’s only in this safe container that you can begin to sort out your needs, your likes, dislikes, patterns, and triggers as they evolve. (Because they will!) That identification process is super important because you can understand what is wholly yours without immediately projecting it onto your partner. Or, you can identify if certain aspects of your relationship are falling into codependent patterns versus interdependence. Healthy and respectful communication would be the next solid piece of advice for any couple. For us, it became the balance between communicating an emotion too early that is fresh, raw and unprocessed or approaching your partner too late, with a long list of built-up resentments. Neither are productive! There’s a sweet spot filled with mindful awareness and practicing what that sweet point is key. Your partner is who you love and within that, they are your friend and ally. When you keep that in your mind and your heart, there’s a responsibility to handle your emotions diplomatically and come to them with respect about what’s bothering you. You’re a team, and you’re in it together by owning your own individual strengths and weaknesses.
Jamie: Celebrate the fact that you’ve had someone to love for that long! You never know what could happen in life, so don’t hold back on showing your love and appreciation to your partner. Don’t be afraid to seek help! It will only strengthen your relationship. And don’t get fixated on these made up “milestones”- we literally didn’t know what the seven-year itch was. Just take it day by day and don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s.
Keyona: This is probably advice for any long-term relationship, but acceptance of growth and change. I think it can be easy to ride the consistency of a relationship after a certain number of years. It’s important to not take it for granted, to be proactive in effort. Continue to experience new things together and know your reasons why.
Tia: You’ve been together long enough you know what to do in bed, how to tell they’re having a bad day, etc. What parts of you haven’t you shared? Is there something you’re afraid to ask for out loud? What are you more comfortable telling strangers? That’s t what you need to confront if you’re really going to be in a functional relationship. It might be the hardest work you’ll ever do (it was for me) but it’s worth it. Take comfort in the fact that this work really isn’t for your partner; it’s for you. And hey, you don’t have to do it. I have a friend who after a decade of marriage still fakes it with her husband because “she just wants to get back to her book.“ You need to ask yourself if you’re ok with that. Because if you don’t confront your darkest parts, they’re going to show up in the next relationship. You can’t outrun Your shadows.
Hailey: Know that the problems coming up around year 7 might not even be because of the relationship. Both individuals need to turn inward and assess what is going on for them. It may be as simple as each person shaking up their routine and figuring out what they need most in that phase of life. Its also important to keep in mind that the goal isn’t to stay together, its to be the truest and most fulfilled version of yourself. You will never ever regret pursuing a relationship with yourself.