We spend a lot of our lives planning ahead. Planning for the day, the weekend, and sometimes our lives. I guess we see this as having some sort of control over how we do certain things. As humans, we think having control actually gives us control. This is not wrong; you see we need to have control over what is next. For most people having a set of choices throws us off because we do not know what is acceptable and what is not. Later in life, some people are lucky enough to realize that you sometimes make good choices and you sometimes make bad choices and whatever the outcome, things are going to be okay.

I tend to forget that about planning for life, simply because I plan on a daily but what I never seem to grasp even though it happens every day. “What’s coming will come and we’ll meet it when it does.” As said by Hagrid in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I have always seemed to be good at planning but after countless disappointments and struggles, I have become very indecisive about “what’s next.”

A couple of years ago, I was laid off from my job not long after that I had to give up my dream apartment to move back home. I accepted the situation and started looking for the next best thing that would eventually lead me to the greatest thing. Four months later, things were starting to look up and a few months after that I moved into my dream apartment but this time closer to the beach, with a bigger kitchen, and better lighting. I was thrilled and complete. I had come to the point where I no longer needed to pay off debt, I could just breathe and go for breakfast and sometimes even buy an expensive pair of shoes that made my calves pop.

At the start of 2020, the world saw its first modern-day pandemic. The covid-19 era had started, and the world was not prepared. Three months without an income set me back almost a year but I remained optimistic. Three weeks after starting work again post lockdown and going to what I perceived as “normality”, and I was right back to where I started. I came from work and saw my lights on, as an environmentalist I flipped at myself for wasting electricity like that but then I saw my back door was open. My apartment was broken into and everything that I worked so hard to get for the past six years, was gone.

These experiences led me into a deep depression and major anxiety. My uncertainties were so bad that I sometimes wondered whether I should go to sleep or stay awake. I was scared to do anything because I realized that whatever I decide the outcome could be disastrous. I would spend hours in front of the mirror contemplating whether I should wear pants or a dress, heels, or flats. I would question whether the one could mean me hurting my feet or perhaps me being too cold. I guess people never truly understand what their actions could mean to someone else’s life.

I spend nights thinking about how if I had not gone to work that day, I might still have my things. Right now, I have to start at the beginning. With zero technology in the house, I found myself meditating more and I asked myself, was this the universe telling me to be more spiritual and less technological?

Teighla'r Gabriel