Modern-day society often is described as hypersexual. Sexual imagery and innuendos are in everything from television shows to literature. Tera Chantelle, an author and self-love coach, believes that this and the push for casual intercourse is creating a society where people are simply seen as objects. To her, the solution is re-centering and connecting with oneself through abstinence.
“Abstinence is taking time to fast your mind, body and soul,” Chantelle said. “Whether it’s within your fleshly desires or your mindsets, … it’s just showing you that you have discipline to abstain.”
In agreement with Chantelle, Christian dating and relationship coach Emily McKnight describes abstinence as “a conscious decision, usually driven by faith, reserving all sexual behavior until marriage.” Unlike celibacy, which is a vow that lasts forever, abstinence is a temporary promise in preparation for a deeper relationship.
Recently, the amount of singles practicing abstinence has increased. According to a study from the Institute for Family Studies, the amount of 35-year-old men and women going without sexual intercourse doubled from 2008 to 2021, rising from 8 percent to 21 percent. While their reasons vary, there are several benefits that come with practicing abstinence.
Witness a Person’s True Nature
When sexual intercourse is out-of-the-picture, Chantelle believes that singles are able to discover another person’s true nature. Abstinence helps to remove any influences from clouding your judgment about the other person.
“[Celibacy], for me, is putting my fleshly desires on hold, and controlling how I view this world and other people in a sexual manner,” Chantelle said. “By abstaining, I see people as human. I see people and make a soul connection without any type of secret motives. It’s just seeing people for who they are and operating from this unconditional love space.”
Release Yourself from Emotional and Soul Ties
Sexual intercourse is an intimate affair between two people. Chantelle and McKnight cite freedom from emotional and soul ties as one of the top benefits for abstinence.
“I have cut the cords with people, [and] I have no attachments to people, places or things,” Chantelle explained. “I’m really operating from a place of detachment, and it’s very freeing.”
In addition to the freeing feeling, McKnight says that singles’ discernment increases. This increased level of discernment stops singles from staying in toxic situations.
“[For] a lot of Christian singles, when they’re abstinent, their discernment increases where they could see [if] a person is a good fit,” McKnight said. “There’s no soul tie because they haven’t bonded themselves sexually to each other, so they can go out on a couple of dates and walk away from it so much easier.”
Embrace Your Imperfectness
By releasing ties to others, Chantelle asserts that abstinence also brings self-acceptance. The clarity that is gained from choosing and pouring into oneself unlocks an abundance of self-love and self-respect. The self-love coach’s own experience grants her the freedom to be herself and accept “the imperfect human” and “work in progress” that she is with love.
This mindset shift allows someone the opportunity to fully accept others and give them grace.
Find and Focus on Your Purpose
Practicing abstinence frees up time and energy for singles. This allows them to find and focus on their overall purpose.
“[By] not being in the wrong relationship because you’re entangled in sexual activity with someone frees your from that time commitment, from that emotional commitment, [and] from being in a [long] relationship wondering,” McKnight said. “That abstinence period and focus on God freed them up, in terms of their energy, their focus and their discipline, to do the things God called them to do.”
Gain Peace of Mind and Better Mental Health Practices
Women report higher stress levels than men and are more likely to rate their stress levels between an eight and 10, according to a recent report from the American Psychological Association. Relationships are one of the key stressors in the lives of 49 percent of the women.
McKnight and Chantelle both agree that practicing abstinence allows people to hold onto peace of mind. Through her research, McKnight found that singles gain more clarity, emotional stability and confidence during this abstaining period. Chantelle believes that abstinence places the control back in the person’s hands.
“Every day, I am in control of my own destiny,” Chantelle said. “I am responsible for my own body, [and] having that responsibility in my hands allows me to take accountability and full action of my own destiny.”
Have Deeper Relationships
Couples who are practicing abstinence in their relationship spend more time going outside on curated dates. Whether they are visiting a museum or going bowling, McKnight believes this helps to strengthen the relationship. “All you’re doing is having fun and you’re talking,” McKnight said. “That’s strengthening your communication and really getting to know somebody, and fall in love with someone.”
Through abstinence, McKnight believes couples are creating deeper relationships that could eventually lead to them marrying their best friend.
Prepare Yourself for Hardships in Marriage
McKnight asserts that the benefits of abstinence continues when a couple gets married. Instead, she believes it creates the perfect foundation for the future.
“[My husband and I] don’t flinch when hard things come in our marriage because we’ve already done something hard, and that was control our sexual urges,” McKnight said. “With the ebbs and flows, the benefits keep on giving in marriage.”