There’s nothing closer to magic than falling in love. It can be an intoxicating experience, leaving you drunk off romance. Finding a partnership that fulfills you can be a drug in itself, leaving the rest of life to blur into the background. However, in many heterosexual dynamics, women may begin to unconsciously prioritize their male partner. Witnessing antiquated gender dynamics in their upbringing and operating in patriarchal societies centered in male superiority can easily bleed into the subconscious. Before they know it, they’re dimming their light and diluting their essence in order to accommodate their male counterpart.
A healthy relationship doesn’t subscribe to power dynamics. There’s an equal give and take. It can be hard to notice you’re shrinking yourself when you’re in the act of it, and it can be even more difficult to listen when those you love are calling you out. If you’re ready for some self-reflection, here are some signs you need to de-pedestal your boyfriend.
You’re Disconnected From Your Friends
From flaking on plans to going silent in the group chat, you may have suddenly found yourself alienated from your friend group. You’re not showing up the way you used to and in turn, may not be as up-to-date on what’s going on in everyone’s lives. Even when you’re in a relationship, it’s important to still have dates with friends, sleepovers and girls trips. Sisterhood is a vital component to a woman’s wellness and your platonic relationships are just as significant as your romantic one.
You Tip Toe Around His Feelings
If you’re constantly avoiding conflict by tip-toeing around his feelings, then this could be a sign you’ve pedestaled your boyfriend. In a healthy relational dynamic, you should be able to honestly communicate when there’s an issue or concern. A constructive conversation should ensue rather than confrontation or argument. If you are forfeiting your own feelings to maintain the status quo, then maintain a “cool girl” image or keep him stress-free, it’s time to recenter.
You’re Worried He Won’t Choose You
Social media is a platform riddled with temptation. Algorithms will constantly push desire to the forefront. You may find yourself competing with impossible images of women online, scared he could be seduced by a shinier new object. If you’re worried about whether he’ll get bored of you or no longer choose you, then you’ve strayed far from the objective truth: you are the prize, you are the chooser, and being with you is his highest honor.
You’re Changing Your Plans For Him
If a girl is going to do anything, then it’s dream. You may have had big career aspirations, projects you wanted to create, hobbies you wanted to try or places you wanted to move. If you’ve found yourself putting those on pause in order to further invest yourself into the relationship, you’ve pedestaled your boyfriend. You can have love and a rich individual life. It’s all about time management and caring just as much about your purpose as you do the partnership.
You’re Ignoring Red Flags
There are so many blaring red flags that hopeless romantics choose to ignore for the sake of protecting their state of bliss. However, it’s important to be honest about the reality of your relationship and the person you’re choosing to share your life with. If you’re ignoring intuitive hunches, blatant lies or anything other red flags, it’s time to de-pedestal your relationship and make sure you’re being fair to yourself. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s always better than living a lie.
The Healing Afterward
Losing yourself in love is incredibly common and there’s no need to guilt yourself about it. Nothing is permanent and dynamics can fluctuate. It’s easy to course correct if you’ve been too much of a lover girl that you’ve self-abandoned.
The remedy is coming back home to yourself. Through journaling and meditation, take some time to sit with the version of yourself that made big life plans with no one else in mind. Take a solo trip, schedule weekly solo dates and reintroduce yourself to yourself. Spend time with your close friends and family, those who knew you outside of your relationship. Ask them about the spark they see in you and what makes you special. Make sure you build plans and routines that protect that.
If you feel open to it, then you can even bring the conversation to your partner. Let him know how you’ve been feeling without placing blame. If he’s the person for you, he’ll support you feeling whole and connected to self within the relationship. If he has resistance to the sentiment, it could be a sign to move on.