Most couples are familiar with the sentiment that you should never go to bed angry. According to this philosophy, if you have an argument and the end of the day is nearing, it’s crucial to resolve things before going to sleep. It’s a practice that’s been passed down by generations, as many married couples who have spent decades together attest to it being their glue.
So what’s the psychology behind not going to bed angry? The idea is rooted in the belief that unresolved conflict can lead to emotional and physiological distress, which could negatively impact the relationship in the long run. When couples experience conflict, especially before bedtime, it can psychologically trigger feelings of emotional detachment. Going to bed angry can feel like a rupture in the emotional closeness of the relationship, leaving both to feel disconnected. A 2011 study in Emotion found that couples who engaged in open, constructive communication during or after conflict had lower levels of distress and were more satisfied in the long term.
But is it actually so bad to go to bed angry? This philosophy doesn’t run true for every kind of couple. Some disagreements might feel too big to resolve in one night. An extended period of time to marinate and let the emotions breathe may very well serve both parties, giving them the space and clarity to heal more efficiently. Research also suggests that forcing resolution before either partner is ready to talk can lead to frustration or superficial agreements, which can actually harm the relationship in the long run. If you know you need the time in order to emotionally regulate and gain perspective, it’s important you allow yourselves that.
Do You Go To Bed Angry?
So is there a right or wrong way to navigate conflict before bed? 21Ninety asked a handful of real-life couples if they ever go to bed angry. Here’s what they had to say.
I never like to go to bed angry. Not in a way where I say it out loud, but even if we’re mad with each other I ask for a hug and maybe a kiss (depending on how angry we were) before going to bed.
My girlfriend and I are very intentional about not going to bed angry.
I try to let go of what I can because I get super anxious and will dream about it or not sleep. The Balance app helps a lot, they have a reflection section.
We go to bed angry pretty often but I’d like to start working on it.
Honestly, sometimes the space and time is needed, so going to bed angry is not a big deal to me.
We don’t like to go to bed angry. We’ll step away for a bit if we need a moment so we don’t lash out unfairly.
I don’t like to go to bed if we’re in a fight! I’ll make my best tea and journal it out if it’s really taxing on me.
We go to bed angry sometimes. There are some arguments that just can’t be resolved overnight and I think that’s okay.
We at the very least end on an “agree to disagree” until it can be more talked about in detail when we’re both ready.
If we’re still angry we’ll sleep separately and continue the conversation when we’re both ready. Usually the time makes us feel calmer.