Nothing can leave us feeling more helpless than watching a friend suffer. We know our friends deserve the best, and its painful to see them enduring anything less. We love our friends and watching them experience an abusive relationship can be such a gut-wrenching ordeal. While it may seem like nothing you can do, friends can play a pivotal role in establishing a support system for those in an abusive relationship. Also, being a rock as they move forward and the heal.
Don’t Judge
It may be your first instinct to shake your friend and scream “get out!” like LaKeith Stanfield did in the eponymous movie. But this tactic is not affective. The reasons a person chooses to stay in an abusive relationship are numerous and complicated, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Instead of spending your time and energy convincing them to leave, reassure them that you’re a support for them no matter what decision they make when it comes to the relationship.
Tell Them What You’ve Seen
Being supportive doesn’t mean staying silent. You can tell your friend that the behavior you’ve witnessed from their partner is not normal. Don’t be afraid to give their behavior a name, and use the proper terminology, including abusive. It may be the first time they’ve processed the situation for what it genuinely is, or your affirmation could be the confirmation needed to move forward. After identifying the abusive behavior, resist the urge to talk badly about their partner and how much you dislike them. Instead, remind your friend that they deserve better than what they’re currently experiencing.
Recognize That You Can’t Save Them
As much as we may want to save our friends, swooping in to rescue our homegirl will not work. Leaving an abusive relationship is deeply personal. And it has to be a decision your friend makes on their own. You can’t force people to leave an abusive relationship before they’re ready. They may return shortly afterward. Your job is to plant the seed and let them be the hero in their own narrative.
Keep in Touch
The key tactic of abusers is to isolate their victims from the people who care about them most. The idea is that the victim becomes completely reliant on the abuser financially, emotionally, socially, psychologically. All of this codependency makes it harder to leave, even if your friend does recognize the abuse. Try your best to stay in their lives. Make it a point to meet up often. And if they live in another state, text and FaceTime regularly. You likely won’t know everything going on, but your presence can still remind them they have people to lean on outside of the relationship.
Help Them Devise a Plan
The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they’ve decided to leave their partner, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports. Having an escape plan is crucial. If your friend expresses their desire to leave their abusive partner, this is your time to help out for real. You can establish a code word so you can talk about their plan safely. You could be the keeper of important documents, store the belongings they’ll take with them. There’s a chance they may need help financially, if you can contribute monetarily to their new life, do so.
Continue the Support
We think that leaving the abusive partner is the happy ending. But that’s not entirely true. Feelings of shame, longing and even regret may occur in people who’ve left their abusers, Northwestern University reports. Instead of judging your friend as they process these changes, continue to be there for them. It’s still not the time to talk trash. Listen to their feelings. Remind them that the right decisions can still be hard to live with and you’re proud of them for what they’ve done and where they’re going.