The emotional, mental, and physical response to crying during sex is something most people face at some point in their sex lives. It happens to many people everywhere, but what is the deal with getting watery-eyed during sex?
Crying during sex is sometimes referred to as postcoital tristesse (PCT), and it is all about the overwhelming sensations (emotional, physical, or mental) that urge some into a state of tears in some form. It may be unwanted or even taboo for some people, but crying is actually relatively normal. While there may be an apparent reason for the outburst, it seems like a mystery to many. Read on to find out the real reason why tears may make a feature in your sex life.
What an Expert Has to Say About Emotional Release And Crying During Sex
21Ninety spoke with Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, certified sex therapist, and licensed marriage and family therapist, to get a deeper understanding of the reasons why some people cry during or after sexual intimacy.
The first thing to note is that there are several reasons why some might break into tears during intimate moments. There are also various ways to experience those tears; it can vary from shedding an unexpected tear to an uncontrollable outpour. The reality is that it is a deeply personal, sensitive, and usually context-based experience. Francis reminds us that grasping the context of the tears is an unmissable part of the process.
“Tears can have many origins, but at their simplest, tears are a form of emotional release. This release can stem from built-up arousal, the intensity of the experience, or even combating feelings of fear or vigilance,” says Francis.
It’s always a good idea to note the emotions attached to the tears. Some things to consider are that the tears may be indicative of past traumas such as physical harm, sexual boundary-crossings, or emotional abuse. Francis tells 21Ninety that in these instances, tears serve as an indicator that you may need to slow down and explore your needs so that you can have less triggering sexual experiences. “A therapist, particularly a sex therapist, could be a meaningful connection to make in support of your wellbeing,” adds Francis.
The Physical Triggers To Consider
There are also physical triggers to keep in mind when it comes to crying during sex. “Tears can come from bracing from physical discomfort or pain during sex,” explains Francis. Francis mentions the many ways that prioritizing comfort can eliminate this trigger. It could be as simple as adjusting your positioning or location. “Depending on the site and severity of the issue, the solution may be straightforward, like a change of positions or the addition of lube. However, you need to discuss this with your partner and potentially also a specialist like a gynecologist, urologist, or pelvic floor therapist to help get to the root of the issue if it is physical in nature,” Francis says.
Keep in mind that tears aren’t only about unpleasant emotions. It is helpful to remember that tears can be a sign of positive emotions and responses, too. Weeping also signifies happiness and a deep emotional connection with a partner. Francis explains that they can emerge from relief, feelings of deep love, or even as part of a high-sensory or intense sexual scene.
“Sex can already be a wet and messy activity. If you can release self-consciousness, crying can be non-disruptive to your play, or even pleasurable, like the feeling of a deep sigh,” Francis notes.
How to Support a Partner Who Cries During Sex
If your partner is prone to shedding a few tears during sex, it might be a good time to consider a plan to effectively support them. If your partner cries during intimacy, “open dialogue is crucial,” says Francis. Create an environment that feels safe and aware of sensitivities before beginning the conversation.
“Ask if they’re okay and offer to discuss their feelings. This creates a safe, non-judgmental space, and it’s essential to honor their boundaries—if they want to pause or stop, respect that,” adds Francis. It’s also crucial to recognize whether your partner needs an embrace or more space. Naturally, the goal is to find a way to offer support, understanding, and a chance to move forward intimately in a way that feels right: “The goal is mutual pleasure, so consent and compassion are paramount.”
“For those who find themselves crying, it’s key to understand that it’s a normal human response. If crying signals pain or discomfort or impacts your wellbeing, consider professional support,” says Francis. With support and awareness, the topic of tears during sexual activity will be demystified and something we can all tackle confidently.