Log on to Twitter on any given day, and you’re likely to find men and women arguing about modern dating rules and regulations. Blame it on podcasts or the virality of infamous internet personalities but there is a divide and certainly a discrepancy in opinion about how people should behave in relationships. When tempers flair and tensions rise, there is one question that is often weaponized against both parties: what do you bring to the table? It’s posed as a ‘gotcha,’ meant to trip someone up as they scramble to list qualities they think a complete stranger might find valuable. On the internet, it’s a trap. 

But in real life, people should be able to identify their strengths and the qualities that make them a good partner. The thing is, outside of some surface level characteristics, people find themselves drawing a blank. For that reason, 21Ninety tapped dating coach Juanita Brown to help explain how you can identify what it is you bring to the proverbial table. 

21Ninety: Why do you think it may be harder for women to answer the question about what they bring to the table? 

Juanita Brown: I think a lot of times, women haven’t really done the work to really learn themselves. 

It is a struggle because you’re raised to think that you just being there period, is enough. You’re just looking good on the person’s arm is enough instead of recognizing internally, what do I bring? What values do I have? Am I empathetic? Am I intelligent? Creative?  I think a lot of times women just haven’t done the self work to know what they bring outside of looks. 

And that could come from experience with dating, in itself. Or even just taking the time out to figure out ‘who am I’? And the cliched: what can I bring to the table. I hate that conversation. 

21N: What is it about the ‘what do I bring to the table’ question that you don’t like?

JB: I think it causes conflict automatically. The conversation should be how can we complement each other based on where we are in our lives. How can we meet in the middle to see how we can grow each other?I think it’s a much deeper conversation to have than ‘what do you bring to the table?’ 

21N: Do you think this is an issue just for women or do you think men also struggle with not being able to identify the good qualities that they have?

JB: I think it’s men too. A lot of men get caught up in the whole idea that they need to be super rich or they need to know how to fix things. Not every man will be a handy man. Not every man will be a millionaire. But you have to know who you are internally. Maybe they have good family values. Maybe they’re good at communicating. It’s just so much deeper than the surface level. 

21N:How do you go about discovering which qualities you have to offer?

JB: I’m a firm believer in pen and paper. I tell clients all the time, sit down and write things out. Make a list. I think when you’ve taken the time to really think and put it down on paper, now you can start digging in. ‘This is a good quality I have.’ ‘Oh, maybe this may not be such a good quality.’ ‘How can I work on this? This is a quality I would like to have, how can I get to that level?’

21N: A lot of people may not feel that what they have to offer is enough. How can people be more confident in what they do have?

JB: You can’t compare yourself to the outside world or what social media or society says. 

21N: How do you go about sharing these qualities? 

JB: I think they should come out naturally. You don’t want to have a script. ‘Hey, this is what I’m bringing to the table x, y, z.’ Let’s get to know each other, let’s spend time together and figure out through discovery questions what we value, how we view things, how we communicate. 

A question I like to tell clients to ask is: ‘How do you handle stress?’ That question alone will tell you so much about a person. 

21N: What other discovery questions can someone ask to determine if someone will complement their lives?

JB: You can ask them:

  • What they value most? 
  • How do you feel about family? 
  • How did you grow up?
  • Tell me about a time you felt the happiest in life. 
  • Tell me about a time when you weren’t proud of yourself. 

21N: Why is comparison so detrimental to the process of determining who you are and what you have to offer? 

JB: Simple. It’s the killer of all things joy. When you compare you mess up what you probably do have. Go back to the basics, self reflection. What do you know about yourself? If you’re not confident or you’re insecure or you feel like you’re not enough, you need to go back and do some self care. You have to be together first before you can think about bringing another person into the picture. 

This article has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.