Iyanla Vanzant says the only relationship we have in this life is the relationship we have with ourselves. Every other relationship is just a reflection of what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves reflecting back. Sometimes the reflection is beautiful and aligns with the ideal version of ourselves. And other times that reflection may be hard to stomach. We’re not always the hero in the story of our lives or in the lives of others. Sometimes, we’re the villain. That’s never more apparent than when we’ve done something to betray a friend.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to lie on your girl, steal her man or get her fired from her good job. Betrayal can be as simple as talking about your friend behind her back, saying something you wouldn’t say to her face. Chances are most of us have been guilty of this behavior. And many of us get away with it. But on the off chance that your hurtful words make it back to your friend, here are some ways you can apologize and hopefully preserve the friendship.
Evaluate Why You’re Apologizing
Culturally, many Black women don’t come from homes where our parents or elders displayed emotional apologies. As the authority figures, wrongdoing was often “mended” with small talk or food. So as an adult, it can be hard to know when and why you’re apologizing in the first place. But this is the work you have to do before you have a conversation with another person. Ask yourself do you feel remorseful? Can you understand how your actions might have hurt the other person? Once you recognize the damage your actions may have caused, you can understand that you’re apologizing for hurting someone you care about.
Take Accountability
Being confronted with the truth of who we really are rather than the person we’d like to be is deeply uncomfortable and even painful. In our discomfort, you might want to resort to downplaying your offense by saying things like, “It was only…” “It didn’t mean anything…” or even blaming the other person for being too sensitive. But decenter yourself and think about the other person. Don’t try to downplay your bad behavior.
Shirley Strawberry had to apologize to Steve Harvey, her boss, coworker, and friend, for talking about Harvey and his wife in a leaked prison call with her incarcerated husband. Not only did she take accountability, she acknowledged how her words may have affected the couple: “I’m talking about you and Marjorie, and you guys are going through your own private hell. You didn’t need me to contribute to anything.”
Convey Understanding
If you don’t yet recognize exactly why you should apologize, you might want to keep it. Don’t offer words simply because you want to go back to kicking it as if nothing happened. Apologize because you mean it. When you apologize, you should not only understand why what you did hurt the other person, it doesn’t hurt to understand why you acted that way as well. You can decide if you want to share this understanding with your friend.
For instance, in Iyanla Vanzant’s apology to Oprah, she shares that although Oprah had extended plenty of opportunities to her, she wasn’t in a place to receive them. She told Oprah that she didn’t feel valued and projected that outward. Vanzant said, “I thought you wanted the work, I didn’t think you wanted me.” It’s not an excuse but it explains what influenced the behavior in the first place.
Explain Why It Won’t Happen Again
After a betrayal, the fabric of the friendship will change. It might grow and become stronger because of the fracture or it might remain strained. Either way, you’ll want to offer your friend some assurances that this won’t happen again. Tell them that the way you behaved does not reflect the person you want to be, if that’s the case. Tell them how much you value the friendship, even if your actions didn’t reflect that in the moment.
When Gabby Douglas apologized for equating attire to sexual assault, she explained why she had realized the error of her ways and why it wouldn’t happen again.
“Please forgive me for not being more responsible with how I handled the situation,” Douglas wrote in a statement shared on Instagram. “I will never stop promoting unity, positivity, strength being courageous and doing good instead of evil,” “I have learned from this and I’m determined to be even better.”
Lastly, if you’ve identified them, share the steps that will prevent you from making this mistake in the future. That could be as large as distancing yourself from people who like gossip or as small as taking more time to think before you speak so you can be more intentional with your words.
Change Your Behavior
They say the best apology is changed behavior. It’s the truth. This you won’t be able to express in a conversation. It has to be lived out. Don’t apologize and then go right back to trash-talking your friend, vowing not to get caught next time. Apologize if you’re making a real commitment to be and do better.