If you’re like me, the word resentment immediately conjures up images of Beyoncé singing down as she taps into the feelings of a woman scorned. Honestly, it’s not a bad place to start. But there’s more to the story. Resentment combines several emotions, including disappointment, disgust, and anger. 21Ninety spoke with trauma and life coach, author, and international speaker Dr. Jeri Godhigh about how resentment shows up in romantic relationships and how to handle it.
If you’re confused about what romantic relationship resentment can look like, Dr. Jeri offered her example.
“I resented my husband for a whole year,” she recalled. “When he lost his six figure job, he was like, ‘Welp, I’m just going to go and be what I always wanted to be.’ And that job was making $40,000 a year. And I’m like, ‘What?!… What? No!’ He did it anyway. We had to change our whole lifestyle. I had kids preparing for college, so I was mad at him. But I had to move through it eventually to get to a place where I was no longer angry and resenting the choice that he made. Now, it was worth it. But then, it was not.”
Resentment, according to Dr. Jeri, stems from unmet needs or expectations, whether they’ve been verbalized or not. It’s the “bitterness that has crept into your relationship or your heart because of something that you thought should have been done.”
Signs of Resentment
When dealing with complex and layered emotions, it can be hard to determine what we’re feeling. But our behavior toward our partners can point to resentment. Dr. Jeri says it can look like always accusing your partner of something. It may show up in the way we shut them out. It can look like us lashing out as well. “Maybe you’re combative and always arguing about something because you’re trying to get them to see that you’re hurt,” Dr. Jeri explains.
Don’t Shame and Blame
As you begin communicating with your partner about your feelings, Dr. Jeri says we should avoid accusatory language.
The best way is to address your feelings and how specific actions make you feel. “If you blame that person, they’re going to go on the defensive, and you really won’t get anything accomplished,” Dr. Jeri explains. “Try to communicate your feelings as best you can. And if that other person can’t hear you, then I suggest you get counseling and together as a couple.”
How Resentment Affects a Relationship
Unaddressed resentment can cause literal and figurative space and distance between two formerly loving people. “You’re no longer communicating lovingly,” Dr. Jeri explains. “You no longer lovingly see that person, to the point where you may not want to be with them. If you resent them, you almost have a feeling of ‘I hate you!’ There’s just this thing in you. And if it grows, it becomes a pill you can hardly swallow. It cripples a relationship. It will almost break up the relationship if you don’t get help for yourself and the relationship.”
Start with You
Unaddressed resentment can cause literal and figurative space and distance between two formerly loving people. “You’re no longer communicating lovingly,” Dr. Jeri explains. “You no longer lovingly see that person, to the point where you may not want to be with them. If you resent them, you almost have a feeling of ‘I hate you!’ There’s just this thing in you. And if it grows, it becomes a pill you can hardly swallow. It cripples a relationship. It will almost break up the relationship if you don’t get help for yourself and the relationship.”
Start with You
When we’re feeling resentful, it’s easy to believe that the problem lies solely with the other person. But that’s rarely the case. “When resentment creeps up, you have to do some deep self work,” Dr. Jeri says. “It’s not just always the other person. We want to think that it is because it’s easy. But you want to think, ‘I see what they’re doing, but why does it affect me so much?’ So really doing the work within yourself as well.”
That self work can look like journaling, spending time alone to ask yourself some tough questions, and prayer.
“You should pray and say, ‘God, show me me,” Dr. Jeri advises. ”Show me where I’m missing it in this situation. Show me why I feel this way. Why do I hurt so badly?’”
Then talk to yourself as well. Ask questions.
“My first question would be, ‘Why do I feel this way? What makes me go to this place every time this happens? What can I learn from this?”
Dr. Jeri also advises therapy.
“I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with therapy because it helps you get to the root of it. Until you get to the root of it, you’re not getting to the surface of what’s causing you to respond or react in a certain way.”
Dr. Jeri says when you’re doing this self work, you should also consider the possibility that maybe you’re not right.
“What if we’re not right about what they said? About what we see? What if we’re not right about what we think? What if that isn’t the reason why they’re doing that?”
The more you learn about yourself, the better you’ll be able to handle all your relationships.
“I believe when you get to a place where you’re starting to heal from the inside out, some of those things you’re resenting others for will no longer be that bad,” Dr. Jeri explained. “Start with you because you’re the only person you can change.”