One of the best parts of the holidays is spending time with family and friends, and I look forward to the gathering every year. However, it’s all fun and games until you’re in the same room with the messy family members.
Personally, I choose to avoid messy family members like the plague. However, sometimes, avoiding them isn’t always easy. Shani Tran, owner and founder of The Shani Project, says that’s when you will need to prepare mentally.
“Give yourself a pep talk,” she said. “State affirmations. Exercise beforehand. Call a friend or family [member] who understands you and ask if you can vent without them offering advice.”
Tran, a licensed professional clinical counselor in Minnesota, is known for dancing on TikTok while adding captions about therapy. Her private practice allows her to create a safe place, where her clients can own and be themselves.
Setting Boundaries with Messy Family Members
Establishing boundaries is important when dealing with messy family members. You should communicate your limits and expectations, making it known if specific topics are off-limits or certain behaviors are unacceptable.
Tran describes boundaries as a rule that is followed by an action. “For instance, if you tell your family you don’t want to discuss politics, follow it with what will happen,” she said. “If they start talking politics, you can say, ‘I will leave the room and end the conversation,’ followed by stopping the conversation.”
Setting boundaries is not about creating conflict. Instead, it is about protecting your well-being.
Communication is Key
Every disagreement doesn’t need to turn into a full-blown confrontation. Always remember to choose your battles wisely and let go of minor annoyances. Focus on preserving the overall atmosphere of the gathering rather than getting bogged down in unnecessary conflicts. This doesn’t mean avoiding important issues. It means recognizing when it’s best to bite your tongue.
“Use ‘I’ statements,” Tran suggests. “For example, ‘I find it hurtful when you misuse my pronouns’ or ‘I am anxious when your tone of voice increases when you talk politics. I would like to hear your side with a lower tone, please.'”
Tran also advises for people to use the word “no,” whether its the response to a conversation topic or certain individual. It is important to be comfortable saying “no.”
If you do choose to engage in conversation, Tran suggests actively listen to what they are saying. Sometimes, conflicts arise from misunderstandings. By listening actively, you can defuse tension before it escalates. Avoid interrupting and refrain from jumping to conclusions.
Ways to Effectively Reduce Stress
Dealing with messy family members can be emotionally taxing. It’s okay to take breaks when needed. Tran says that setting timers can be helpful.
“Set a time limit. Let your family know you will only stop by for an hour. Set a timer and leave at that time. If you want to leave earlier, that is okay,” she says. “You don’t need to explain to your family why you are setting personal boundaries unless you want to. Try doing a meditation before entering a stressful situation. It can be 5 minutes of deep breathing in the car with soothing sounds. Remind yourself that you don’t have to stay in any situation that stresses you out.”
Another way to effectively reduce stress is by contacting family members you consider an “ally.”
“Reach out to family members who sees and understands them,” she advises. “Let those people know what you may need from them during the holiday event that may be stressful.”
Tran recommends taking care of yourself because it lets you be more attentive to your needs during these stressful times.
While dealing with family dynamics can be draining and stressful, employing Tran’s practical strategies can help you maintain your composure and make the most of the holiday season. Remember, the goal is not to change your family members, but to find ways to coexist peacefully during this festive time.