They say hindsight is 20/20. It really is. If I knew then what I know now, you couldn’t have offered me my ex wrapped in one million dollars and doused in Bond No.9. I would have simply declined because no matter how appeasing he appeared (and trust me extra cash is always appealing) and delightful he smelled, my peace of mind is worth a substantial amount more.
I was exceptionally close to my mother. She was my road dog and best friend. I shared my darkest moments and greatest accomplishments with her. I knew if no one had my back, she did and she would ride with me until the wheels fell off. I also knew she wouldn’t hesitate to correct me if I was wrong. Good ole accountability.
Given my relationship with my mother, I always looked at how men treated their mothers and evaluated if they were worth my time so it’s no surprise that when I saw a guy exceptionally close to his mother, it warmed my heart. *Palms face* I should have focused a bit more on the dynamics instead of the theatrics.
I can’t say that I regret my experience because it taught me lessons that I will carry for life. This is what I learned:
You Will Never Be A Priority
I often look back at myself in pure amazement that I actually thought I would be prioritized… eventually. I would excuse broken commitments he made to me because his mother needed him. I rocked with my mother so well that I never questioned it. However, it got old really quickly.
You Will Always Be Deemed The Problem
I grew up with accountability and transparency. No matter the gravity of the issue or severity of the consequence, I was taught to own it. Imagine my perplexity when the mother (whom was always invited into our business ) deemed everyone else except her son as the problem. If he was obviously the problem, it was justified by someone else’s actions. There was no room to accept fault or the fact she may have raised a no-good individual.
You Will Be Expected To Treat Him Like His Mother
And here lies a greater issue. Because mama’s boys are usually coddled their entire lives and raised with a false sense of entitlement, the same is expected from you. He wanted the unconditional love his mother gave him and I was only offering terms and agreements. My love has conditions. Simply being a man or doing bare minimal does not open the floodgates for love.
There Will Always Be A Comparison And Ultimately A One-Sided Competition
If it’s one thing a mama’s boy will do, it’s definitely compare his mother and partner. If you prefer to live a “soft life”, he would explain how his mother raised fifteen kids (I’m exaggerating) worked and cooked three meals a day. You are then expected to do the same. Then it becomes a race for you to prove you are worthy. And my friends, Nik never has time for that. Ever! Even on my off days, I can’t allow myself to be played with and neither should you.
Don’t Expect A Partnership
Partnerships arise from people that hold the same values and are equally yoked. Toxic mama’s boys are usually borderline narcissist so don’t expect an equitable relationship. Expect a relationship where you carry the brunt of the weight. Remember their mothers have enabled this minimum output behavior and they expect you to do the same.
And this isn’t to say all mother’s boys are bad, but we know the toxic ones. We see the red flags and romanticize them. If you are always in a state of questioning versus knowing, then you might want to examine the relationship.