The beginning of a relationship closely resembles a story book romance, without its hurdles and intimacy issues. There’s wonder and excitement mixed with discovery and nervousness. It’s a foundational period that comes with new experiences and the desire to spend every moment with the other person.
Companionship and love are two of the top reasons that people get married, according to a survey conducted by Forbes Advisor in 2023. With 39 percent and 36 percent of responders citing companionship and love as their main reasons respectively, it seems most marriages are built on friendship. Those initial butterflies flutter away, allowing for a deeper connection, or intimacy, between the two individuals.
People often use the term intimacy interchangeably with sexual intercourse. However, the true definition of the term spans far wider than the act.
“[Intimacy] is not just the physical, but it’s how you define how close you are,” said Quinelle Hickman, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the CEO of Counseling to Comfort. “To be intimate with someone means that your open and there’s a safety there — a closeness.”
When you and your partner have high intimacy levels, it translates to you both being friends. At the core of your relationship, your partner is someone you trust, and they reciprocate that feeling. However, for some couples, there is a point in the relationship where that changes. According to the survey, 59 percent of people divorce within the first year because of a lack of compatibility. For those couples married for more than nine years, infidelity (39 percent) and a lack of intimacy (31 percent) generally prompted a divorce.
“When we are not feeling our best selves, it really impacts if we are in our heads or in the mood to be intimate,” Hickman said. “If you don’t feel like you can talk to your partner, if you don’t feel close or if speaking to your partner creates a lot of frustration and stress, your desire to want to be intimate also decreases.”
Hickman asserts that stress, anxiety, depression and other outside factors are some of the main causes of lack of intimacy. While the clear signs, such as recoiling from your partner’s affection or issues in the bedroom, prompt couples to start therapy, there are other actions that indicate a decrease in intimacy. Being over critical or avoiding physical contact are some signs that there is an issue in the relationship.
Identifying intimacy issues in a relationship is only one step in solving the problem. Hickman asserts that the first step to addressing this concern is communication. While broaching the topic may seem daunting, it is essential to work together on rebuilding the intimacy. Hickman suggests that her clients to do weekly maintenance check-ins with their partner.
“The biggest thing about this exercise is creating a really safe space [and] making sure the time is agreed upon, so that you’re not catching your partner in a time of stress,” she said. “You are catching them when they are ready to speak to you.”
During these weekly check-ins, Hickman advises couples to be open and honest with their partner. The conversation should surround the actions your partner did during the week that hurt you and the things that you appreciated. Couples should also ask their partner about the things that they could improve. This simple exercise helps to foster healthier communication practices and enhances problem solving techniques.
It’s equally important to discuss about life outside of the relationship. Hickman emphasized that stress outside of the relationship “has a way of trickling over into your relationship.” Use these check-in moments to talk to your partner about their daily struggles. It may help you get to the bottom of the intimacy issues.
In addition to weekly check-ins, Hickman suggests being intentional with the time you spend together. This may include talking to one another without any outside factors, like a cell phone or a television. Practices, like eye gazing and intentional touching, also can help build intimacy over time. These exercises hopefully can help to reignite the original feelings that drew you both to each other.