Ending 2021 and beginning 2022, I decided to break up with myself, to leave behind the things I have learned that keep me stagnant. I have come to understand that to truly walk in all of my purpose, the old baggage simply cannot come. I have only enough to purchase a one-way ticket for this trip around the sun, and I cannot afford to pay for anything extra. My budget has to be tight for it to be right. Breaking up is hard to do, but it is necessary when you are evolving, growing, and healing. This year has not warranted the need to make any resolutions, no need to create lists of things I need to do or not do, but I have found great pleasure in resolving things within myself, and now I am ready for a vacation!

NOW BOARDING…

This isn't going to be easy for either of us, but it has to be done. No, it's not you, it's me, and yeah, it is that deep. See, one of us is stronger than the other, and what I can no longer afford to carry around with me is my secret obsession with trying to replace the time that has already passed. There is not one time in my life where the hurt I encountered did not come from me trying to fill a void or gap from times I felt I missed out on, such as the lack of relationship I had with my father growing up. I have surrounded myself with individuals who were in some way, shape, or form, seeking this little girl who just wanted to be paid attention to and loved. This meant that I was willing to accept whatever was given and make excuses for the deficits instead of asking for what I wanted and desired.

This has often left me vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Please do not mistake that as me being the victim because I genuinely believe that if I signed off on it and gave my permission, I was a willing party. We just have to be honest about what we have contributed to the baggage we carry along. Sometimes I packed too light and ended up leaving space that I felt I needed to fill. Many times, that space was held by narcissists. Sometimes, that space was held by my own insecurity. I granted access to people and things that I cannot even say "no longer serve a purpose" because, in this self-discovery, I wonder if it ever truly did. Regardless of whether the answer is yes or no, I have to leave that suitcase behind me for sure.

That secret obsession also kept me boxed in. It kept me from exploring something different because I was used to the same, even if that meant being comfortable in chaos. When you feel like you've missed out on something, you fear missing out on something else and tend to become stuck. I am definitely over-carrying that bag! I don't want to be in that space anymore. There isn't anything in my life right now that is lost, and it has taken me a very long time to realize that. I spent so many years searching for that thing that I didn't allow enough room to enjoy what was not missing. This is why a vacation is a must; the time to enjoy myself and my own company in this inexperienced space has to happen.

PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF…

My carry-on is light and the perfect fit for the trip I am ready to take. The urge to fill a suitcase that isn't full is no longer there. I have literally learned how to be okay with the space that the universe has provided. If I had a problem with social distancing at the beginning of the pandemic, it was because I had no idea how essentially beautiful the disconnect could be. I never knew how to do it on my own without feeling guilty about it. I have to also give credit to what circumstances bring out of people too. I outgrew the need for closure from every situation; some I still desire to end differently. I stopped subscribing to this need for some level of validation. The amount of freedom that comes from this type of transparency is unmatched.

I have no desire for a round-trip ticket anymore, and I do not want to return to this space. It took a near-death experience and a few distinct losses for me to become okay with the fact that my discomfort was not solely dependent on one thing. The thought of losing everything that I truly valued helped me understand that I was placing too much value on things that did not deserve that much of me. It did not happen without tears or stress. It did not happen overnight. It did allow me the space to process everything without the amount of support I thought I had to have. It made me look within myself, to be my own strength, and I also learned why I don't want to force anything. I am genuine, so that is all I want to surround myself with. No motives.

EXPERIENCING TURBULENCE…

To my surprise, coach feels more than cozy enough for me. When you free yourself of what has been holding you down or back, you experience everything in a new way. Imagine admitting you were going about things wrong for so long that you're just now getting into a position to get things right. It's invigorating once you get past the shame and embarrassment. The willingness to navigate the tough stuff is a result of healing, understanding that life in its totality is made up of the ups and downs. I am not saying that I would mind not having any downs for the rest of my life, but I am saying that the thought of it is no longer suffocating. I have been through some things. The best part of that is that I am here, on the other side, when I once did not know if I could make it. Choosing me, even if I had to be forced into it, is the choice I would choose again and again because now I know it is just a little turbulence.