“Just like you, I get lonely too.”
If you’re on social media or even if you’re not, there’s no doubt you’ve seen several discussions going on about dating. Whether people are finding it hard to date or choosing to not partake at all, everyone seems to be talking about the issues facing the somewhat young, ever willing and, ultimately, single. Some attribute the inability to find and sustain a romantic relationship to the pandemic while others say this is a long term affect of dating woes that have been swept under the rug. As we start to face loneliness head on, there seems to be an urge to understand why we all seem to be having the exact same experiences while solemnly swearing that we want something different. How are we, at once, completely over isolation and yet unwilling to take the opportunity to put ourselves out there in order to find what we seek. What’s all the work we all claim to be doing for, after all?
The simple answer is: we are all relearning softness.
Coming off of a big wave of pretending to be carefree and to need no one other than ourselves, it takes a lot of vulnerability to admit that you not only desire partnership but rank it amongst the things you most want. Softness for us as Black people can be a hard thing to wear on a daily basis. As we face dangers outside more than any other racial or cultural group, we are often wearing armor for good reason. We are constantly on the defense and ready to react to even the smallest bit of aggression or pain directed towards us. The unfortunate truth of the matter is that we don’t always know how to turn that off when it comes time to enter the world of dating. We take the same high alert energy into our relationships and often find ourselves desperate to be understood and accepted for who we are but have not accepted that it’s safe to show up that way just yet. So, sometimes, our loneliness is the only place we truly feel protected enough to show up authentically. And no matter how bad we may say we want otherwise, our subconscious mind continues to create scenarios in which we fail at and/or are rejected in love and who wants to feel not good enough in the most vulnerable part of their life? No one.
Then, there’s the issue of options.
Social media will have us all think that our ideal person is out there waiting just around the latest TikTok trend for us to show up. Eh, probably not. Though there are people who have found love via social media, most connections are made in real life. And because we are all coming off of two years of life being turned upside down, meeting new people has proven to be even harder than it once was. For those who are still living in the cities they grew up in, the dating scene can be a little like a recycling bin while people who moved away may feel relegated to mostly their inner circles. Think about the amount of people who have never even met their coworkers—chile, we can’t even play matchmaker because we don’t know these folks in real life. Not to mention there’s this idea that something better is always out there. Though there is truth in that, it can be a hinderance when we start looking at the options in front of us—sis, now is not the time to hold out for Idris Elba, let it go—and can keep us from accepting the present and meeting new people. There is a thin line between knowing what you want and knowing HOW you’ll get it. Stopping the flow of life because you don’t want to be putting energy into connections with people who don’t seem to be “the one” is a surefire way to become bound by your desires. You never know how your love story will unfold, maybe the guy you go out on a date with because your friend said he was cool will take you to a restaurant owned by the love of your life. See…?
But you’ll never know until you step outside, show up with your heart on your sleeve and take a chance!