Chances are in recent years you’ve heard this phrase: “I/she/he/they is/are unbothered”. Perhaps you’ve said it or it’s just a sentiment you’ve seen used to describe someone else. It’s become almost a statement of pride about how someone is choosing to respond or not respond to something that could be causing them discomfort. Now, though it can be a marker of someone choosing to prioritize their peace above all else, its started to permeate down into how we interact with one another on an interpersonal level. In fact, one can say that it sometimes seems as if we are all in a competition to be the one who cares the least. Words like “unbothered” and phrases like “I couldn’t care less” or “idgaf” are often thrown around as badges of honor when it comes time to address how we feel about people we are in relationship to.
So, where does that lead us in a world that seems to already have a lack of real sense of connectivity, personal accountability and care?
For those who do not want to harden themselves, it may mean constantly being made to break down the armor that those around us are wearing in order to see their true nature. And for those who find it easier to disconnect than to be vulnerable, there may be loss of true and meaningful relationships. As many people turn to social media, podcasts, memes and soundbites to speak for them, there seems to be a true commitment to saving face over being honest. Because, let’s face it, sometimes we are bothered. No one can go through life not caring about anything happening to or around them. And it’s ok to feel and to feel deeply, if necessary. Now, of course, there is nuance in every conversation. Someone choosing to suffer in silence is completely different than someone choosing to suffer in private. Privacy is always in, pretending; however, shouldn’t be. When this idea of not caring and feeling nothing towards anyone grows into apathy towards everyone, we start to have a real boundary between ourselves and being part of connections that can serve us in the long run.
This is especially important when it comes to dating.
Now that “hot girl/boy summer” has ended for once and for all, can we admit that not giving a f*** about the people we are sharing our time, hearts and bodies with may be a bit of an issue? Using manipulative tactics that are drenched in fear of possibly putting ourselves out there with someone who may not feel the same way about us is not only unhealthy, it’s unfair. If you care about the person you’re getting to know, it’s ok to stand tall in that. It’s ok to be aware of what you need to feel supported in any stage of your relationship with them. The great thing about being transparent is that it will more quickly help you recognize who can provide for you, emotionally, in the ways that are necessary for your comfort. Pretending to have no feelings, no real cares and no needs may seem like a way to get a person to choose you but in the end, it just creates resentment. And more than that, it robs the other person of the opportunity to show up for you. Maybe all they need is the green light to let down their guard too. If we continue to embrace this idea of being “unbothered” to the extent that we are unable to express ourselves, the lasting ramifications could be staggering. We are already building up so many barriers to healthy communication, love and critical thinking, maybe it’s time we create more bridges between us. There is nothing wrong with being bothered, it means you’re alive and feeling all the emotions that are available to us at any given moment. This doesn’t mean you have to wear your heart on your sleeve but it does mean that you can acknowledge when your heart (or ego) has been bruised. And still be the incredible, beautiful and deserving women you are.