I’ll never forget the moment in Love and Hip Hop history where a tearful Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her longtime boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones. Once Jim accepted the ring, he asked Chrissy if she was sure she wanted to do this. Instead of saying yes to her proposal he told her he’s “in this with her.” The following season, Jim returned the favor and asked Chrissy to marry him, too.
As of today, the two have not walked down the aisle. Last year, Chrissy said she is no longer interested in marrying Jim because marriage wouldn’t address the issues in their union.
Traditions and Standards
In the public, Jim and Chrissy became the perfect example of why a woman should never ask a man to marry her. But, Chrissy and Jims unstable relationship aside, what are the valid reasons of why a woman should not propose to a man?
After all, men proposing to women stems from nothing more than the constraints of patriarchy and centuries old traditions. These standards make men responsible for leading the entire course of their relationships. Usually, the man is the one who approaches and expresses initial interest. He also plans the dates, asks the woman to be his girlfriend, and then buys the ring to propose.
While the woman can accept or decline, she’s demoted to waiting.
Communication is Key
The main argument against proposing to a man is that if a woman proposes she’ll never be sure that the man genuinely wanted the next level of commitment. Furthermore, before anyone shops for jewelry or asks the life-altering question, conversations about marriage should take place.
In healthy relationships, each party clearly communicates their needs and desires. If both partners agree they’re ready for marriage, why should men be the only ones to propose?
Operating Outside Societal Standards
One of the benefits of same-gender loving or nonbinary romantic relationships, is that the people involved get to decide on new traditions to create for themselves. You can find several videos of people in queer relationships proposing to one another at the same time–unplanned. The two partners on the same page, operating without gender norms, and committed to a more permanent relationship.
If you’re a woman who’s been dating a man for years with no ring, I wouldn’t suggest proposing to him immediately. But, I don’t see any real issue with women who have thought carefully about proposing to their man. Furthermore, this type of move requires that you and your partner both have shared values. Also, you need to know that he isn’t worried about archaeic and traditional ideals.
This is not something I would spring on a male partner without a conversation. You can ask questions early to see exactly where his head is. Would he appreciate the gesture, or resent you for taking this moment from him? These are things you should know beforehand. Armed with this information, you can start the next level of your partnership on the right foot.