Facebook may be the site for Boomers and business owners. But it is also full of grade A mess. For whatever reason, folks are willing to share it in long form.  One woman shared her philosophy on dating men with children. It was a bit of a new and interesting take on the matter, that caused some discussion. It made us wonder; should you take care of his kids before you’re married?

The Story

Alexys Lynn, a business owner and entrepreneur in her twenties, started the conversation with a screenshot. In it, the mother of her boyfriend’s child, asked Alexys if Myles, her boyfriend, could come get his daughter and let her stay over at Alexys’ house. 

“Hello. Can you please allow Myles to get Faith? I’m struggling really bad and I need help,” the mother wrote. “He said that he can’t allow his daughter to spend the night cause it’s your house and your rules,” she continued. “So I’m asking you woman to woman.” 

Alexys responded: “Hey, Yes she can’t stay here. Faith isn’t my child and I won’t have responsibility over that or what you and Myles have going on. Have you spoken to his mother? Maybe she can watch Faith until you get better.” 

We don’t know where Faith eventually went or if this mother was able to get a break. But the mother told Alexys that she spoke to Myles’ mom. 

Alexys’ Conclusion

Later, in a note addressing women in general, Alexys wrote: “Women, especially Black/minority women have always been set up to be front line providers even when we are not called to be or supposed to be at that moment. Especially with kids. It’s been pushed in our heads to take care of other people’s kids, raise kids that aren’t yours, become a “step-mama” with no true commitment to a man (marriage). If you date a man with kids, it’s a “package deal” which is absolutely not true nor a fact. Nothing’s a package until you are married…” 

“As for me, I will not,” Alexys continued, adding a smiley face for good measure. “It may seem harsh but I am currently in my selfish state because I worked hard for it. I will travel, I will enjoy life, I will eat whatever I want, I will work hard and focus on what I want to and that doesn’t include children at this moment. Even while dating someone who has a child, it’s not my responsibility. It’s that simple. Once we, as women, put our foot down and stop taking on extra burdens, stresses, possible harms etc. — we will all be in a better places especially with our standards.”

What About the Daddy?

It’s okay for a woman to be selfish in her twenties. And it’s great that Alexys is thinking about the unpaid and often thankless labor Black women take on. But her stance begs the question of whether she’s really ready to be dating a man with children? Dating a man with kids is a package deal. You shouldn’t have to be a participant in their childrearing during the early stages of a relationship; but not allowing them in your home, seems a bit extreme. We wonder if Alexys is willing to meet and spend time with the child at all. 

But the biggest and most pressing issue here is the child’s father, Myles. Why is he okay dating someone who doesn’t view him and his child as a package deal? If he lives with Alexys or spends significant time in her home, why is he comfortable with his daughter not being allowed in that space? 

Alexys’ assumption that she would be responsible for Myles’ daughter—while he’s present—is a red flag. He should be more than capable of caring for his daughter entirely on his own. Alexys shouldn’t have to do anything. 

Women in her predicament should absolutely consider what type of labor they want to take on in dating a man with children. They should be clear about whether or not they have the capacity to accept the child into their lives, should the relationship progress. But most importantly, they should pay very close attention to the concessions a man is willing to make at the expense of his child. If he could prioritize a romantic relationship over being there for his own flesh and blood, his character and integrity may be a bigger issue than the labor you might one day put forth in watching his child.