When I was a child, I used to hear the adults, everyone from my parents to pastors, talk about the fact that being in a long term relationship took work. One man even went so far as to say he wasn’t always “in love” with his wife. But he willed himself to love her everyday. As a kid, I did not understand what they meant. But today, as an adult and married woman, I get it. All the lovey-dovey, romantic feelings have ebbs and flows, especially as life changes. These changes might affect your sex life as well. For instance, if you’re working in a toxic environment? You might be having less sex. If you have a baby, your sleep will suffer, and your libido might too. If you loose a close family member, sex will be the absolute last thing on your mind. Sex slumps happen, and they can be scary. But here are five things to remember in the midst of them.
Sex Slumps Are Normal
A 2018 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that of 18,000 adults in the United States, 15 percent of their marriages were sexless. These couples had not had any sex in the past year. Even more so, 13.5 percent hadn’t had sex in the past five years. In reality, many people aren’t willing to discuss their sex lives publicly, especially if it’s non-existent.
It Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Your Relationship is in Danger
Chances are you never imagined the fire in your romantic connection would fizzle. The changing dynamic may freak you out, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the two of you are doomed, especially if there are no other concerns in your relationship. Just because you’re not having sex like you used to doesn’t mean the love is gone.
“…As long as the couple is on the same page regarding their sex life, sex doesn’t need to be present for them to be in a happy, satisfying relationship,” Katie Gilly, a licensed marriage and family therapist stated. There are times when both you and your partner are clear about the reasons why you both have been having little to no sex . If one person is still interested and the other is not, there needs to be clear communication.
Communication is Even More Important
It can be easy to shut down in other areas of your life when you’re not having sex, but try to remain open and communicative. If you and your partner are experiencing a dry spell, ensure to discuss this. Is this something you’re both comfortable with? Does one party feel the other could do more to reignite the spark? Are you willing to accomodate your partners desires? Talk these kinks out, and your transparency could lead to intimacy.
There are Other Ways to Be Intimate
In a long term relationship, sex is not the only way you can connect to your partner. Perhaps you make space for quality time by going to movies together, go out to eat, or still find ways to make one another laugh. Also, remember intimacy can include other versions of physical touch beyond sex. For example, you and kiss each other, hold hands, give each massages and more. A reduction in your sex life doesn’t mean you lose other benefits of being partnered.
Take the Pressure Off
Nothing kills sexual desire like the feeling of obligation. If you try to end your sex slump before both you and your partner are ready, it could make things uncomfortable. Ensure you’re having sex because you want to and not because you’re trying to live up to an expectation. Find easy ways for you and your partner to ease back into sex. Flirt with eachother, vocalize what you’d like to do when you’re ready, and consider scheduling sex. But if it doesn’t happen, don’t beat yourself up about it. As long as you both are committed to making your union work, it will happen.