There’s something about turning 30 that makes life feel like it’s supposed to come together in this neat, perfectly wrapped package. Career? Check. Friend group solidified? Check. Romantic relationship heading toward marriage and babies? Definitely check. At least, that’s what I thought.
But, life had other plans.
As I approach my 30th birthday this fall, I find myself knee-deep in a season of what can only be described as purging. Friendships are shifting, family dynamics are being questioned, and worst of all, I went through the most gut-wrenching breakup of my life —and I didn’t see it coming.
I’ve always been a lover girl. That hopeless romantic who dreamt more about a fairytale love than a six-figure career. I wasn’t ashamed of it, either. I believed in the magic of partnership, of building a life with someone, traveling the world hand in hand, and raising a beautiful Black family filled with love and light. When my ex, who I still believe is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever dated, told me we were better off apart, I unraveled. It wasn’t because I believed he was wrong, but because I had built my future around us.
The loneliness hit hard. It wasn’t the kind that can be filled with brunches, vacations or busy work. I’m talking about that deep, aching kind of pain. The one that settles in your chest and whispers, “You’re alone now.”
Then, Tracee Ellis Ross spoke to me.
Tracee Ellis Ross Changed My Perspective
When I heard her on Michelle Obama’s IMO podcast, her words were like a balm on my bruised heart.
“As much as grief does surface for me around not having children and not having a partner, I still wouldn’t want the wrong partner. At all, I’m not interested in that,” she said.
That statement stopped me in my tracks. The grief is real and like Tracee, I’ve felt every bit of it, from the late-night spirals, the tears and the heavy silence. However, hearing her say that she wouldn’t want the wrong partner reminded me of something I had forgotten: love is not worth having if it costs you your peace.
I had spent so long romanticizing the life I thought I needed that I ignored how incompatible my ex and I truly were. Neither of us was a villain. We just weren’t right for each other. I wanted the picture perfect image, without the reality. I was chasing the checklist and ignoring what was right in front of me.
“Even though the grief does emerge and that comes and I hold that, I think of what I’ve done… what I had to learn to navigate as a single person with no one to hide behind. And it’s built a really beautiful experience around me,” she continued.
“No one to hide behind” hit me hard because this season of my life, while lonely, is also the first time I’ve truly met me without distractions and performing. It’s just me figuring it out, raw and unfiltered. There’s something quietly powerful about that.
Embracing Acceptance
Ross reminded me that loneliness doesn’t mean failure. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. It means you’re in a moment of transition, of self-exploration, of becoming. It’s grief, yes. But, it’s also growth. Being single isn’t some punishment. Instead, it’s a gift, a space to build a life so rich, so fulfilling, so rooted in authenticity that when the right partner does show up, you’ll know the difference.
If you’re like me, navigating heartbreak, questioning your path, and wondering if you’ll ever feel whole again, then just know that you are not alone. As Tracee Ellis Ross so gracefully reminds us your partner should “make my life better.”
“It can’t just be ‘I’m in a relationship just to be in a relationship,'” she said.
We deserve the real thing. Until then, we’ve got ourselves and that is more than enough.