They say that by the time you’re twelve years old, your personality has basically been set. All of the experiences, conversations, actions and thoughts of your childhood meld together to make up the preteen you are and the adult you’ll become. If we’re lucky, that young person is shaped by love, laughter and safety; although, that’s not everyone’s story. But no matter how we were raised, there are some lessons and some beliefs that we can’t take with us throughout our lives. There comes a time in every adult’s life where they have to unlearn some of the very lessons that shaped our formative years. Here are a few things to unlearn in your thirties.
Associating Your Worth to Your Work
Many smart and overachieving Black girls were taught that doing well in school was the ticket to getting anything we wanted in the world. It would lead you to a good college, a good job, good money. And while those lessons may have opened several doors for us, it caused many of us to associate our worth as human beings to the work we did and our subsequent accomplishments. But that type of thinking can be harmful as we move through life. If we’re not productive as we once were, it can cause a lot of unrest. But we’re worthy just as human beings, without the work we do or the things we produce.
Committing to Things That No Longer Serve You
It’s often easier to stay stagnant than it is to move and take a risk. As human beings, we adjust even if that adjusting means staying in unhealthy relationships with toxic people. It can look like working a job that is soul crushing. Or holding on to religious or social mores that no longer align with the truth of who you are. As we get older, we should always checking in, asking ourselves are we fulfilled, content, thriving with certain people, places and things. If we’re not, changes should be made.
Making Decisions to Please Others
Many women find that they took on people-pleasing as a character trait. Perhaps they felt it made them more likable or helped them avoid conflict. Whatever the reason, as we grow, we have to learn that the person we need to always be pleasing is ourself. Making decisions that actively harm us just to keep the peace is self betrayal.
Not Establishing Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are tricky. For many of us, they’re an entirely new concept we’ve had to implement into our lives. But knowing when to say no, when to say yes, when to decline and when to accept certain treatment is essential to maintaining peace within. Establishing and upholding these boundaries with loved ones can be especially difficult (see people pleasing) but ultimately it’s worth it. The right people will honor your requests.
Ignoring Your Intuition
We’ve all been blessed with a little voice that whispers and sometimes shouts about the way we should go. It tells us when people are exhibiting red flags. It lets us know when we’re on the brink of making the wrong decision from big things like moving into a certain neighborhood to buying the wrong piece of clothing. Your subconscious knows what will be a good fit and what will be detrimental or even dangerous. We’re always getting these downloads but we often ignore them, dismiss them as foolish. But when we look back, we see that our inner voice was usually right.