Relationships with other women can be some of the most fulfilling ones in our lives. Having someone who speaks the same language as you in a community that you can lean on for support is truly life-changing. As with any other relationships in our lives, our friendships with women require time, energy, temperance and a willingness to be authentic. They can be mirrors for us in which we come face to face with our blind spots, showing us where we may still need nurturing and healing. Much ado is made about daddy issues and the heartbreak that occurs early on via the hands of fathers (or father figures) in the lives of women but many of us also carry mother wounds that can be a bit harder to spot. When we come into community with other women, those wounds can show themselves in the form of envy, jealousy, distrust and other forms of relationship sabotage. It can become painfully obvious when there are people in your life who may have attained some of the things you are working towards and you find yourself unable to be happy for them or try to dim their light in any way. Sometimes, it takes the form of manipulation by way of victimizing oneself, even when wrong, in order to maintain a position of power.
These are behaviors that can show up in other relationships as well but often have elating effects in friendships.
If you’re a woman who finds yourself wearing “I don’t get along well with women” as a badge of honor, it’s time to go deeper. Often times, when we find ourselves repeating patterns and coming to the same conclusions, we can begin to take on those findings as part of our identity. Instead of pushing ourselves to unpack the things we’ve just come to live with as truth, we become resigned to whatever we find easier to handle. If we believe, on any level, that we attract who and what we are, a woman who does not get along well with other women is probably a magnet for other women who share the same ideals—do you see how that could be an issue? Do you see how years of thinking of women, people who are more similar to you than not, are people you do not get along well with could create an atmosphere that does not support the growth of nurturing and healthy female friendships?
Sometimes our early experiences can also be ones that we have not come to grips with enough to move ahead in a healthy manner.
If you were bullied, found yourself rejected or were betrayed by women at any crucial points in your development, that can also make it harder to shed those seeds of disconnect. Instead of being able to face the grief of what our mothers, friends, trusted confidants, etc…have done to us, we internalize and project. Much space is made for people to lament the end of romantic relationships. It’s perfectly normal to be deeply wounded by someone you were intimate with but far too often, we are not allowed to admit the level of sadness we may feel when a friendship ends. In an effort to not appear bruised, we pivot to creating a life in which that pain cannot occur anymore. A life in which we proclaim that we “get along better with men” or “don’t do well in groups of women”. A life where our female friendships are about brunches and photos and not about truly standing in the gap for one another. A life where we do not face mirrors because what we see looking back at us causes us pain.
Sisterhood is one of the most necessary components of our lives as women.
We cannot survive alone and we need one another. If you’re finding it hard to show up in these dynamics, that’s ok. We all have our struggles. But, if you want to unlock your next level, you’re going to have to clean out your basement, you know? Take a good look at the root of your problems and invite yourself to sit with them, tenderly, and let them know that you’re safe now. You can move ahead without them to protect you. And once you’ve done that, there will be sisters, with open arms, waiting on you. Trust me.