No one likes rejection. It’s a blow to the ego and to the heart. When you like someone it can also be the end of the life you imagined you might share with that person. But rejection is a part of the game. Sometimes it comes without any type of flowery, “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. People may just disappear. Many know this type of phenomena of ghosting personally. It’s considered tacky, inconsiderate and not the proper way to handle the ending of a relationship.
Ghosting is often shunned but there are times when disappearing without a full conversation is appropriate. 21Ninety spoke to licensed professional counselor and EMDR certified therapist Kheia Hilton about ghosting and when it might be the move.
First, Hilton explained why the practice of ghosting is so frowned upon in the first place.
What’s so wrong with ghosting?
“Ghosting triggers for a lot of people-past feelings of abandonment, feelings of insecurity, not being good enough,” Hilton explained. “I think a lot of people look at it from the perspective of how it feels for them and what it triggers in them more than the functionality of it.”
Hilton says that for those who are intentionally trying to be cruel, the potential reasons for ghosting could be long and hard for the average person to understand. But for others, it could be an attempt to avoid an unpleasant experience. More than just an attempt to avoid conflict, there are actually good reasons why it makes sense to ghost someone.
Past Behavior
“Behavior is a good indicator of whether someone can actually handle a conversation about someone not wanting to be with them,” Hilton said. “When we look at past behavior and notice things like gaslighting, manipulation, other signs of narcissism, physical or emotional abuse, it’s a lot safer to just end contact and not say anything. In that way, ghosting is okay.”
Lack of communicative skills
Sometimes we don’t have the tact to have this type of delicate conversation.
“We haven’t always developed the civility to have really tough conversations,” Hilton said. “Sometimes we just don’t have the capacity or the words to say what we need to say. In those cases, while it’s helpful for people to develop those skills, we’re not all at the same place. And it’s okay to take that into consideration.”
Time of the relationship
Hilton also believes that the length of the relationship can determine when ghosting is appropriate and when it’s not.
“If we just met last week or only hung out a couple of times, we really want to ask ourselves has there been enough relationship built that it makes sense that I have to give this long, drawn out explanation as to why when we’re really just getting to know each other, anyway.”
Hilton said that when we no longer like someone and don’t want to be around them any longer, there are signs.
“We can tell when a conversation is dry or there’s no chemistry and it’s boring,” Hilton said. “I just don’t know what to say to this next message and we just kind of fall off. Things like that, it can be acceptable to just fade away.”
What should you ask yourself when you want to ghost someone?
How do you know you’re going to ghost with a pure heart?
“I think one of the first questions is why am I choosing this method,” Hilton said. “If your answer is truly I just don’t have the words or skills to be able to facilitate this conversation and I say something and I know I’m going to be sucked in and I know I’m not going to be able to get out, then ok.”
But if you’re ghosting just to avoid conflict, Hilton says you might need to dig deeper.
“If you don’t want to feel the uneasiness or the guilt, sometimes you have to ask yourself, could it be worth it?” Hilton said. “Could I grow from a conversation like this?”
Hilton said you also want to ask yourself if you’re ghosting to be cruel.
“Do I have any hurtful or harmful intent?” Hilton said. “Am I ghosting this person because I’m mad at them? Am I ghosting them because they did or said something I didn’t like. I just don’t feel like we’re at the point where I feel like I owe them more of an explanation.”
Ultimately, Hilton says that whether you’re the ghoster or the ghostee, everyone needs to extend grace to themselves.
“We want to be able to recognize we are all human, we are all learning how to navigate difficult situations,” Hilton said. “Relationships and opening yourself up is a very vulnerable situation for a lot of people. The more that we can be accepting of where we are, the more that we can give ourselves grace on our journey of growth. I think that’s one of the most important things that you can learn.”