Divorce isn’t fun even if the split is amicable. Add kids into the mix, and it’s harder because now you have to co-parent while navigating an emotional rollercoaster.
I experienced this first hand when my own marriage limped across the finish line towards divorce two years ago. But what frustrated me more than struggling to maintain civility during some very rough patches, was realizing how much responsibility I shouldered as a co-parent.
Part of this was because the rose colored love glasses were firmly slapped off my face. But more glaring was the fact that without love, I was aware that my mental load was disproportionate in our marriage and that divorce wasn’t going to change that.
ADHD is Bigger Than You Think
Just before our divorce was finalized, my ex-husband revealed that he finally got diagnosed for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). This explained a lot in terms of his chronic forgetfulness and poor time management which were pervasive throughout our relationship and continue today.
Monica Cwynar, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in family relationships, co-parenting, and coping skills with Thriveworks notes that “ADHD can significantly affect relationships due to the symptoms that often manifest, such as impulsivity, distractibility, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty with organization and follow-through.”
A variety of associated behavioral patterns can potentially sabotage relationships — especially with romantic partners. But this isn’t a conversation on all the ways that ADHD can derail relationships. It’s about how I’m working to create a more balanced co-parenting dynamic with someone who has ADHD so I avoid burnout.
The Mental Load and Black Motherhood
I grew up in a divorced household with my mother virtually doing everything and my dad only providing child support. So, I didn’t realize that this wildly imbalanced dynamic was problematic. It subconsciously perpetuated the stereotype that Black moms are supposed to be superhuman jugglers who can do everything without any support.
As a culture we really need to stop supporting this myth because it’s hurting Black women. It creates a culture of silence where women are shamed for admitting that they can’t “do it all” because “if our ancestors can survive slavery you can survive this.”
When I was with my ex-husband, the responsibility for nearly everything from paying bills on time, finding housing or even booking vacations fell on my shoulders. My ex wasn’t great at keeping deadlines, staying organized, or moving with a sense of urgency.
Looking back, I realized that my type A personality morphed into a hyper-independence approach because I knew I shouldn’t wait for my ex to take the lead. When it was just the two of us, this was manageable. But, after we had our daughter six years ago, burnout began to take hold.
Joseph Cavins, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Southern California Sunrise Recovery Center shares that trying to coordinate with an ADHD co-parent “can lead to the non-ADHD parent feeling like they have to overcompensate, taking on more of the mental load and practical duties to keep everything running smoothly.”
This was my lived experience as a wife and especially now as a single mom. Not only was I expected to manage everything I was doing previously both inside and outside the home as a working woman, but the majority of childcare also fell to me. Doctor’s appointments, dance classes, play dates, remembering drop off and pickup times for school (and reminding my ex), and of course the bulk of daily parenting duties are mainly my domain.
To his credit, my ex-husband does offer to help. However, his ADHD means I often still have to step in or be flexible with schedules, which can result in frustration for both of us. As a result, I rarely ask for help outside of our predetermined custody schedules and roles unless I absolutely have to because I want to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Navigating Co-Parenting with Someone Who Has ADHD
Even after the sting of divorce and the “whys” of our breakup faded, co-parenting has been a rollercoaster experience for me. There’s no acrimony, but managing the logistics and dealing with the inevitable hiccups that constantly pop up is far from enjoyable. Still, I have found a few tips that make co-parenting with my daughter’s ADHD father less stressful.
Take Advantage of the Calendar
When we had our daughter, we began sharing calendars for the days I had press events planned and he needed to stay home to watch her. We originally used the Apple iCal app because it updates with the cloud. But once my daughter started school and had a busy schedule of her own, I realized that even for myself I needed something bigger with a true “at a glance” daily and monthly overview.
I use the Skylight Calendar Max, a 27-inch digital calendar that’s wall mounted and syncs seamlessly with our iCal calendars. It can also sync with Google, Yahoo, and Outlook calendars, and has more functionality than I truthfully use. So, every drop off or pick up, my ex-husband can get a quick overview of our daughter’s upcoming tutoring sessions, camp, dance lessons, school breaks and more.
Cavins mentions that “reminders, structure, and routines can help the ADHD parent stay on track without it all falling on the non-ADHD parent’s shoulders.” He agrees that shared calendars and task tracking apps can also minimize the strain on the non-ADHD parent. Likewise, on my ex’s usual custody days, I’ll post entries if I’m going to press events to make it clear I’m unavailable to be the “backup” for his schedule.
Once I got the Calendar Max, I intentionally stopped chasing after my ex for updates because I no longer wanted to carry that mental load. If he didn’t post he was taking our daughter on his typical days, I assumed he wasn’t taking her. I stopped reminding him of parent-teacher conferences, appointments at the school, or even major parenting events. If it’s in the calendar, then it’s on him to show up.
Avoid Information Overload
Hyperstimulation can include information overload for people with ADHD. They struggle to process it or may experience choice paralysis. I learned early on in our breakup that data dumps don’t work. While I prefer having all the information at once for a 360 big picture view, it’s overwhelming for my ex-husband.
When I know I’m proposing big changes either to custody arrangements or my daughter’s constantly shifting schedule (like her over-packed summer camp schedule), I breadcrumb the information. Normally, breadcrumbing is negative because it usually means stringing someone along. But in this case, it means I’m staggering information so he has time to absorb it and follow up with questions.
Preventing Burnout When Co-Parenting with an ADHD Parent
One thing I’ve learned through this co-parenting journey is that there isn’t much information on coping when you’re not the ADHD parent in a co-parenting dynamic. Most advice centers the ADHD parent, and how the neurotypical (NT) parent can support them. In many ways being the NT co-parent means you’re invisible, isolated, must always be flexible to compensate for the “what-ifs” of your ADHD co-parent, and those not in a NT-ADHD dynamic can’t relate to your experience.
In a pairing between two NT co-parents, if one person repeatedly drops the ball they’re clearly weaponizing incompetence. They have the ability but not the desire to do what’s needed. But in my NT-ADHD dynamic, my ADHD co-parent is genuine in his offers for help — but the end results may be the same. Because of this, I often struggle with isolation and my social calendar is routinely upended because I have to be flexible to pick up the slack so our daughter doesn’t suffer.
The Current State of ADHD Support for Co-Parenting
Most support advice is framed around what the ADHD individual can do and how their NT co-parent partner must be understanding and supportive. Meanwhile most content glosses over the intense mental load and almost forced hyper-independence the NT co-parent must adopt to ensure everything is running smoothly.
Even in writing this story, when I asked experts for feedback on how NT co-parents can cope and prevent burnout, many clinicians still framed their responses by centering the ADHD individual and admonishing the NT person to maintain understanding. Few experts acknowledged the imbalanced load with many simply suggesting that NTs regularly “check in” and ask their ADHD co-parent to do more or step up — as if that’s enough to create balance. From personal experience, vocalizing concerns provides clear communication but it often doesn’t translate to meaningful change that rebalances the mental load.
Advice From One Neurotypical Co-Parent to Others
Even though I’m no longer married to my ex-husband, because of my mental load, I’m essentially still actively in the role of wife or caregiver. I commend my ex-husband for working to better understand his ADHD, but being forced to constantly strategize information releases, calendar updates, and being in a constant “on-call” mode to prevent anything from slipping through the cracks contribute to burnout.
Most experts agree that sticking to a routine and leveraging tools like shared calendars can help to minimize — but not eliminate — co-parenting issues commonly experienced when one parent has ADHD. Likewise, they recommend that everyone engage in self-care. This is especially true for the NT co-parent who may often feel overburdened from trying to anticipate hiccups in the co-parenting dynamic that can cause problems and conflict.
Personally, I’ve also accepted that there may be times where my daughter can’t have the busiest social calendar if the bulk of the logistics are going to fall on me. I only take on the things that I know I can truly handle on my own. Both Cwynar and Cavins agree that maintaining realistic expectations is critical to manage frustrations.
While this might seem harsh, I’m aware that there are only so many hours in the day, and I may not be able to get endless support from her father because of his constantly shifting work schedule and his ADHD. Ultimately, co-parenting is difficult even between two neurotypical individuals for a variety of reasons. There is no easy pathway through co-parenting, and when navigating it with an ADHD co-parent, you’re creating the roadmap as you go.