Every once in a while, somebody will joke that they have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) because they have a short attention span. In all seriousness, ADHD is no laughing matter. While some cases are mild, other symptoms can be frequently losing important things, constantly talking over other people, trouble focusing on multitasks at work, having a tough time sitting for long periods of time during work conference meetings and making impulsive decisions to get immediate rewards instead of thinking about future consequences. Now imagine all of this happening while trying to co-parent with a small child or even getting through a first date.
The Basics of ADHD
ADHD is one of the most common mental disorders affecting children, according to Psychiatry.org. But inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and the struggles with interpersonal relationships and daily tasks don’t just dwindle away as someone gets more candles on their birthday cakes. Adult ADHD happens too. ADHD is a protected disability under the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 and the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Institutions receiving federal funding cannot discriminate against those with disabilities. Career wise, people with adult ADHD may qualify for reasonable work accommodations. If undiagnosed, this can lead to adults having poor self-esteem, sensitivity toward criticism and trouble maintaining a healthy love life.
What To Know About Dating Someone With ADHD Beforehand
For someone with a Type A personality, meticulous details are important. This person is often the leader of a group, is persistent about meeting deadlines and is impatient when a work (or personal) process isn’t moving fast enough. This group is also wildly ambitious and would definitely be classified as Command and Achiever in the CliftonStrengths personality assessment.
Now imagine this same person dating someone who likes to wing it, is often distracted mid-conversation, may crack jokes in the middle of a serious moment or even procrastinate when it comes to the seriousness of the relationship. In that same personality assessment, they may be more of a Woo or Positivity. In simpler terms, someone with ADHD can be destructive or they can be the most pleasant person in the room and all about good vibes. Putting these two personality types together is not always going to be an “opposites attract” moment, but sometimes it can be.
On the website ADDitude, the writer speculates, “Not only are we chronically late, but sometimes our spontaneous jokes are all wrong for the moment because we’re not good at picking up social cues.”
This alone can either make a double date feel more like going to a comedy club, or it can result in the couple arguing the whole night about one-half being a goofball. So what’s the best way to date someone with ADHD?
Honest Conversations While Dating a Partner With ADHD
Avoiding lecturing is one of the most common pieces of advice in a relationship that can be difficult for some to execute. This pesky personality trait will be magnified while dating someone with ADHD. Why? It may not even be that this person is a nag in any other relationship. But some discussion boards have mentioned dating someone with ADHD can result in feeling ignored, lonely and like this person will never follow through on a promise. If cohabitating, simple chores can make one person start feeling like they’re handling all the housework because the other person may lose interest in doing their fair share. ADDitude describes this dynamic as acting like a child instead of an adult. And when an adult with ADHD starts feeling like someone is talking to them like they’re small children, it’s very easy to clam up or become combative.
So how do you reach a happy medium? Medication is one way, but behavioral changes are another essential part of making this relationship work.
One way to do that is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which is basically talk therapy. CBT helps the partner with ADHD become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking when a challenge is ahead of them. By working with an unbiased third party, the ADHD partner can view the challenge more clearly and respond in a more effective way as opposed to feeling pressured or nagged. The second way is for someone with ADHD to get organized (ex. calendar reminders, planners, to-do lists, smartphone alerts), helping them to improve on keeping promises.
The Connection Between Dyslexia and ADHD
In an episode of The Cosby Show, when Theo Huxtable (played by Malcolm Jamal Warner) realized he had dyslexia, organizing his notebooks and creating a folder system vastly improved his grades as a college student. He became so intrigued by education that he decided to become a teacher. But when he approached one of his students, Stanley (played by the late Merlin Santana), about potentially having dyslexia too, Stanley shut him down immediately, insisting he’s “just like everybody else.”
According to the International Dyslexia Association, approximately 30% of those with dyslexia have coexisting ADHD. The two conditions can occur together, but they do not cause each other. Dyslexia is a language-based learning disability that involves difficulties with accurate and fluent word recognition, spelling, and reading.
If undiagnosed as a child, this can lead to a frustrated adult who worries about career aspirations or going on certain types of dates. They may be so caught up in learning the same way that other students (and adults) do to the point they’ll create a barricade around anything that could out them. For example, the person without ADHD may wonder why a museum date or an escape room date is setting off alarm bells for someone with ADHD, dyslexia or both. If the other party is not honest about how frustrating this type of date may be, or embarrassed if they don’t feel like they can enjoy it due to reading barriers, this can all too easily lead to an argument solely to avoid meeting up for date night.
But just like dating someone without ADHD, making a concerted effort to allow them to suggest dating plans (even if they don’t literally plan it from start to finish) can release some of that stress. Cooperation is needed with every couple, and neither party should feel trapped while hanging out. A fun date for one person may be a book signing. For the other, it’s enjoying a hot air balloon ride. Try both!
Sometimes It’s Not ADHD, It’s Just Not Meant To Be
While it’s convenient to assume the relationship didn’t work out because one person (or maybe both) have ADHD, the truth is some relationships just don’t work out. People clash. Feelings fade. Couples grow apart. There are countless reasons why people break up, get divorced or spin the block and find out their relationship is better when they’re older. In the early stages and as the relationship continues, with and without ADHD, explore each other as individual people with lived experiences too.