Around the holidays, relatives that can easily be dodged for the rest of the year show up. They’re sitting at the Thanksgiving table. They’re posing by the Christmas tree. They may even be holding a champagne glass to bring in the new year. And if you’re not careful, the people you least want around will find a way to pop up for random celebrations like Easter and even Juneteenth. And if it’s an ex-significant other, Valentine’s Day can be spoiled by the sight of them. The problem with this unwanted visitor is someone in the family (or group chat) probably wants them around, be it through marriage, as a sibling or child, or mutual friends.
And then there’s the second group. These are the people you don’t want to be around, but you can’t control their whereabouts. They may be co-workers or neighbors. While you can run home or the nearest bedroom to get away from a frustrating friend or family member, you can only hide out in a conference room for so long. There’s going to be a time when you’ll have to set your emotional boundaries. But what are emotional boundaries, and why does finding and setting your own matter?
Emotional Boundary Overview: Why Is It a Priority?
According to the Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, emotional boundaries are based on the premise that an individual’s emotions are their own responsibility, and their emotional well-being is controllable regardless of other people. While the other person may be a trigger that will make someone irate, sad or overwhelmed, putting these boundaries in place will give the triggered person a way to settle down or change the dynamics.
Why? Suppressing these emotions instead of taking them on will just result in the people who keep triggering this emotion to have the power to do it over and over again. By setting boundaries, it lets others know where you stand but without getting trapped into an argument or taking your emotions out on someone else.
How Can an Emotional Boundary Be Set for Repeat Offenders?
If you’ve ever been in a situation where two people gave you the same advice and only one of them made you irate, there’s clearly something deeper going on with that second person. Otherwise, your response should be the same with both. Being highly reactive to the latter person can too easily make them assume you’re being melodramatic instead of acknowledging what led to this response. After all, you were unphased by the same critique when it came out of someone else’s mouth.
For example, say you regularly talk about healthy eating and exercise with one person. It’s a productive conversation where you learn about new fitness classes and recipes. However, the latter person is just using the topic as an excuse to tell a fat joke or to make you feel unattractive. While the topics both parties are talking about revolves around nutrition and weight management, one is clearly bringing it up to be mean-spirited.
Instead of letting the offender make you feel guilty, simply state that you would prefer not to discuss that specific topic with said person anymore. You don’t have to explain why you’re comfortable talking about the topic with someone else. Just firmly state that you don’t want to discuss this topic at all with the latter person, and leave it be. If they bring it up again via email, in person or by phone, simply delete the email, remove yourself from the room or disconnect the call. Removing yourself from the situation will let this person know you were serious when you said you didn’t want to have this kind of discussion with this person.
How Can an Emotional Boundary Be Set for Peacemakers?
Sometimes you could be putting your own self through misery. For example, a peacemaker will too often wiggle her way into conflict between others, but then blame those two for stressing her out. Or, you may feel like it’s your responsibility to resolve an issue when the resolution can only come from the person who has the problem. So now you’re masterminding a conflict-resolution plan when the two people arguing would prefer to just hate each other.
This is another hint that you need to set an emotional boundary. You must be honest with yourself about whether your emotional state is something you can resolve by just stepping away from their rivalry. If these two people not getting along doesn’t result in ruining your separate relationship with either, it’s OK to leave it be. Everybody doesn’t have to be friends.
How Can an Emotional Boundary Be Set for People’s Opinions Being Attacked?
If you find yourself dreading a meeting with a condescending co-worker you abhor or you run into a family member who constantly feels the need to create chaos, these are signs of bullying. This person salivates at the opportunity to take you down a notch, even if you were minding your own business. They’re not being as blunt as telling a fat joke or ridiculing your appearance or saying something that’s clearly demeaning. They’re picking you apart like a slow cooker instead of a frying pan.
Instead of reacting sadly or angrily to whatever this person says, set up an emotional boundary to redirect the conversation. For example, when a co-worker huffs about you not knowing about a report or doesn’t like that you asked a follow-up question, explain that you’d still like a specific answer to your question. While this person may be baffled that you’re owning up to just not knowing the answer, your co-worker will have to answer your original question. If the co-worker refuses to engage, a manager or co-worker may notice this encounter, step in to respond and (potentially) speak with the snippy co-worker.
Why is this a useful emotional boundary? If you’re the type who shrinks up when challenged or are too nervous to speak up, focusing on the destination (an answer to your work question) instead of the route (the bickering before then), you can help to direct the meeting in a way that benefits you.
In the case of a family member, let’s say this person always complains about your political choices. While you both can banter about about why you think you know the best alderman, governor, senator or president, you can get around this by focusing on the issue that this person will resolve. For example, if the support behind a candidate is environmentalism, instead of name-calling and criticizing all of this politician’s fans, bring up the issue that your favorite candidate will resolve. This takes the debate away from a team versus team debate and more about the larger social justice issue to resolve.
Why is this a useful emotional boundary? You’ve allowed the other party to get this know-it-all complaint out of her system. And now that she has, this person will either admit that talking to you means they’ll have to offer more to the conversation than complaining.
How Can an Emotional Boundary Not Make You Numb or Indifferent?
There are times we meet people who seem to get along with everybody, and nothing ever gets under his skin. You’re perplexed by how this person has mastered staying calm, cool and collected. Naturally, there are some people who really aren’t as sensitive, as easily angered or who can cause others to cry. The truth is these people have set emotional boundaries long before you.
Instead of reacting to every single thing that bothers them, even when it does, they may brush some things off or ignore other things because each disagreement is not worth responding to. Why does this work? By the time they do speak up about something that they’re not on board with, others take notice. If this quiet or nonchalant person suddenly decides to meet a confrontation head on, then this is clearly a bigger deal.
These techniques can be applied over and over again. Respond to what matters, and ignore the noise of people or comments that cause nothing but grief. If the person you’re speaking with doesn’t provide anything constructive, move on physically and mentally.