Being able to read the room can saves you from social and professional embarrassment. It’s a way of paying attention to your environment.
Reading the room is a way of being present, observant and capable of responding to these observations with appropriate judgment. It’s all in the subtleness. It can help you at work, with family, relationships and more. It isn’t a skill exclusively for those born with the instinct. Instead, anyone can learn and study the art of reading the room.
Barbara Shabazz, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified personal and executive coach, knows all about the benefits of it. In a recent interview with 21Ninety, she discussed the unspoken truths about reading the room.
21NINETY: Why is it necessary to learn how to read the room?
BARBARA SHABAZZ: Social awareness is a skill that we should all desire as a part of our “life’s toolbox.” As an integral domain of emotional intelligence, it cues us to what’s going on in the room, what the goals of the room are about and which of our qualities would best serve the room.
It is a practice of keenly gathering subtleties and responding appropriately within the context of the setting. Being sensitive to the culture of a room doesn’t beg for us to abandon who we are at our core. [Instead, it] asks for us to take into consideration that we are not the center of it. Prioritizing this critical brand of consciousness increases our ability to take a mindful pause, become more adept at teasing out nuances and foster long-lasting connections.
21N: Could you share some effective ways to read the room?
BS: Feeling. Active listening. Sitting with silence. This three-pronged approach ensures that we show up with intention. It strengthens our ability to be better “readers.” [This process also] informs us of the best ways to move in and out of a variety of spaces.
It starts with a feeling. That feeling is validated or debunked through listening. Listening is improved by getting comfortable with silence. Upon observation of [the room’s energy], we can simultaneously check in with ourselves to be conscious of automatic emotions and note how others are responding.
Active listening helps to build rapport, trust and understanding. When we’re able to take a deep breath and resist the urge to fill every moment with anxiety-driven chatter, our reading of the room is more meaningful, and less apt to interference and missed cues.
21N: How important is it to understand non-verbal cues?
BS: Non-verbal cues are the subtext to every group situation. We can learn a great deal by attending to them. They [are] expressed [in] body postures, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye contact and gaze, laughter and other familiar human behaviors. Although we can’t read minds, being a student of high-context communication gives us a window into more detailed hidden meaning. Reading between the lines helps us to come out of ourselves and our potentially disruptive internal dialogue.
21N: What are some ways to practice self-compassion if you’re learning or not yet adept at reading the room?
BS: We have to extend grace to ourselves and others. In some instances, repairing the gaffe or harm may look like an apology or admission of error. With that action, we have to be careful not to selfishly burden the person we have failed to show compassion with the task of making ourselves feel absolved.
Self-compassion looks like acknowledging our humanity and asking those who love us for objective feedback about how we show up. It is appreciating that we will sometimes miss cues when in community and relationship with others. It’s committing to reflecting on the lessons that will help us to improve our skill set around the dynamics of any group.
This article has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.