It’s every girl’s worst nightmare. You’re getting to know a potential new boo, things are going well, and then, bam. You’re hit with a wave of disgust over something small and otherwise insignificant. Maybe it’s how they chew, an emoji they overuse or a vocal stim you just can’t get behind. Whatever it is, you can’t unsee it and you can’t shake the feeling of “ew.” This is what’s known as “the ick.”

Getting “the ick” refers to a sudden turnoff that makes you feel repulsed or cringe about someone you were previously vibing with. It’s not always logical or fair, but once the ick sets in, it can be hard to go back. While it often shows up in the talking stages, the ick can also strike in long-term relationships, too. Here’s a deeper dive into getting the ick, plus a therapist’s take on the psychological reasoning behind it.

The Ick Examples

Ultimately, the ick can be anything, from mildly annoying to instantly deal-breaking. Though it might sound petty, it’s usually a gut-level reaction that’s hard to ignore. Here are some common examples:

  • Being rude to servers
  • Baby talking or using overly affectionate pet names
  • Poor hygiene 
  • Chewing weird
  • Using outdated slang with full seriousness
  • Lack of spatial awareness in public
  • Oversharing about exes
  • Walking in a weird way
  • Mansplaining simple concepts
  • Saying “nom nom” while eating
  • Being way too active online (aka selfies galore)

The Ick in Long-Term Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, the ick isn’t limited to early dating. In long-term relationships, it can manifest differently. Rather than being about surface-level quirks, it often stems from accumulated frustrations or unmet expectations.

Some examples include seeing them in a new, unflattering light (like how they handle stress or conflict), noticing emotional immaturity you overlooked before, feeling secondhand embarrassment from their behavior, getting turned off by laziness or lack of ambition, or cringing at how they talk about certain topics. While the ick might not lead to an instant breakup in long-term relationships, they can be red flags that signal a need for deeper reflection: are these annoyances I can work through, or signs of incompatibility?

Therapists Explain The Ick

With that, 21Ninety spoke to licensed mental health professionals Anna Coco and Natia Brown for deeper insight on how to navigate the ick.

21NINETY: What, in therapeutic terms, would you describe as the ick?

ANNA COCO: “The ick” describes a swift perspective shift on a person that someone has previously considered in an intimate/romantic/sexual way. This change results from witnessing a behavior that creates a feeling of disgust and contempt within the person involuntarily. “Icks” can be caused by really anything. It can be them saying something that creates a large negative reaction, having interests in things that the other person doesn’t like, or as simple as seeing something aesthetically unpleasing. The same way we can’t control why we find somebody attractive, icks are out of our conscious control.

21N: Is there a psychological reason behind why women get the ick?

NATIA BROWN: I think women nowadays are more independent and self-sufficient. They have higher standards and lower tolerance for things, big or small. I also think with everyone being more self-aware and reflective in things like knowing their attachment styles, women are not willing to accept anything less than they believe they deserve. On the other hand, people also just have unconscious deal breakers that they don’t know of until they come up.

AC: Getting the ick can come from a variety of reasons, some rational and some irrational. From an evolutionary perspective, women are subconsciously seeking a “mate” who can protect and care for them. If, let’s say, a man screams in fear when he sees a spider, this could be something that represents his lack of ability to protect. These things are almost always subconscious, but when you see it it’s hard to erase from your brain. It is also highly individualized to the person. One person’s ick can be endearing to another.

21N: Is it normal to get the ick when you’re in a committed relationship with someone?

NB: Yes, but it’s less likely to really impact the relationship unless it’s in the beginning. Because in the beginning, you are more likely to end things than if it’s later on. 

AC: The chances that someone would get the ick from a committed relationship are likely pretty low, though not impossible. Being in a committed relationship with someone implies that you’ve spent a good amount of time getting to know each other and seeing each other in vulnerable, “not put together” moments. Each has seen their partner with morning breath, when they’re stinky, and when their emotions may be reactive. In this way, they’ve seen so much of each other that finding something new about the partner that could give them the ick is uncommon.

One exception would be someone who is in a committed relationship but has begun to question if they should break up. There’s something called “confirmation bias” where a person can consciously be aware of something that causes them fear or unease (the thought of breaking up) so much so that their brain subconsciously pays attention to examples they come across that further confirms their opinion that they wouldn’t otherwise notice or pay attention to (Ex: “I never realized how much I don’t like his baby talk to me. I don’t know if I want to be around this anymore.”)

21N: How do you differentiate between getting the ick vs lack of compatibility?

NB: It depends on what the issue is and how big or small it is. There is a difference between not liking the way someone chews vs being upset because someone doesn’t stand up for you in around other people. If someone has too many icks for you, then that’s just lack of compatibility. 

AC: A lack of compatibility implies getting to know someone but realizes relatively quickly that they don’t seem to connect with the person they’re meeting. This can be for a variety of reasons: values differences, opposite opinions on hot topics, lack of relatability, etc. This is something that is present early on and becomes more apparent over time. The ick is different in that it is usually a very specific behavior, opinion, or appearance variable that hits the person seemingly out of nowhere even with someone they otherwise might be romantically interested in. It can sometimes be something that causes disgust or contempt in the person even if they can’t explain why.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can you come back from the ick? It’s totally possible to get over the ick, though it’s case by case. What matters most is that there’s a strong underlying connection and attraction.

Should you break up if you get the ick? What matters most is the gravity of the ick. If it’s actually a red flag, that’s something important to consider.