Creating a sex life that feels fulfilling and exciting sometimes takes time. It may even look like stepping out of your comfort zone to sexually experiment and explore yourself and your partner. To overcome sexual boredom, it might be time to welcome inspiration from outside of your normal routine. Some women may find that taking inspiration from the queer community may offer more enjoyment and empowerment than they might’ve guessed.

Boundaries and Communication Beyond The Heteronormative Standard

For Licensed Psychologist and Sexuality Empowerment Specialist Jasmonae Joyriel, the first point to consider is the effects of heteronormativity. In particular, it’s important to examine how heteronormativity may have shaped at least early understandings of sex and relationships. Heteronormativity is the belief that the norm or default is heterosexuality. With this as a societal standard, society invalidates or side-lines non-heterosexual relationships and sexual experiences. Often, these standards are more likely to be challenged or deconstructed in queer relationships than in heterosexual ones.

“Queer relationships often necessitate the unlearning of bad sex education and reconstructing a more nuanced and empowered approach to sexuality,” Joyriel explained.

Joyriel explains that boundaries are prioritized because of the risk of misreading non-verbal cues in queer relationships. This also allows you to consider how romantic advances may be received.

“Learning how to practice consent as early as flirting is not only safer but can be sexy and liberating when both people are on the same page,” Joyriel said.

A takeaway from this point is the importance of communicating boundaries and consent, something that may sometimes feel like an afterthought for straight couples. Releasing the idea that transparency is awkward and instead including it as a key aspect of the early stages of intimacy will create space for an experience that feels empowering and like a genuine safe space.

4 Things Every Woman Can Learn from Queer Intimacy

There is so much to learn and unlearn about the ways that women approach intimacy. Here are 4 tips worth noting according to Joyriel.

Get creative. From toys to positions to unexplored erogenous zones, there are so many ways to make sex tailored to your wants and needs. Don’t stay stuck in doing something that doesn’t offer pleasure or work sexually for you. Find what does. Get creative and have some fun. 

Unlearn straight sex. Throw out the assumptions of what sex “should” be. Sex does not require genitalia for some and cannot include penetrative sex for others. However, this does not exclude them from creating a fulfilling sex life. What do YOU want sex to be? At what point does it start? This may be flirting or it may be foreplay or maybe it stays intercourse. The difference is that you are choosing rather than assuming what sex needs to be or ignoring an experience that feels like it may count as sex for you.

Make transparency sexy. While it may feel foreign to explicitly state what you want sexually, it is truly the antidote to sexual harassment and assault. This goes both ways. When someone is transparentt with you about what they want, be thankful you have clarity and challenge yourself to not take offense if it deviates from what you want. Instead, give yourself permission to say ‘no thank you’ and establish clear boundaries so that both of you are more free to find what you each want. 

Release the gender stereotypes. Stop letting gender dictate how sex goes. There is nothing deviant about the diversity that exists within your identity. Anyone can initiate. Anyone can desire foreplay. Anyone can have a higher libido. Anyone can penetrate or be penetrated. It’s just that simple.