Before stepping into a marriage, it’s important to ask the tough questions. After all, you don’t want to marry a stranger. While things might be all roses and butterflies in the early stages of dating, life and people are never perfect. Everyone has their own shortcomings and imperfections, of course. However, you don’t want to be so blinded by love that you cannot clearly see your significant other for who they are or are not. Before you say “I do,” consider sitting down with your partner and having a heart to heart with this list of questions.
What was your family dynamic growing up as a kid?
This question dives into the core of who a person is. It’s essential to try to understand your significant other’s familial background or upbringing. The early years and relationships from childhood shape our perspectives, communication styles and insecurities.
Do you want to have children?
It’s not uncommon for a couple to get married, and then one person in the relationship decides they want kids while the other does not. Never go into a marriage thinking you can change a person. If you both don’t want to have kids, that should be a dealbreaker.
Where do you see yourself living in 5 to 10 years?
Get into the mind of your partner and better understand where they see themselves in the future. You don’t want to walk down the aisle only to discover that your partner wants to stay in a small town while you have big city dreams. Be transparent about where you want to live and build a life.
How do you handle conflict?
In terms of communication styles, do you tend to be more confrontational or avoidant? Determining this is key to better understanding each other and working through conflict in a healthy way.
What are your career aspirations?
As a kid, you were asked what you wanted to be when you grew up all the time. Well this question is also essential in romantic relationships. Share your dreams and aspirations with your partner. Perhaps, you dream of starting your own business, writing a best-selling book or breaking the glass ceiling in the C-suite. No career dream should be too big or small to share with your partner. However, if your entrepreneurial goals frighten your future lifelong mate, then that’s something to consider before saying, “I Do.”
What are some of your most important personal goals?
Life is so much more than career and work, and there is more to you and your partner than what you do. Discuss personal goals that are unique to each of you. By sharing these goals, you can come alongside your partner and be a strong support system.
How much debt do you owe and how much do you have saved?
Finances are one of the top sources of tension amongst couples and one of the major reasons marriages end in divorce. One rule-of-thumb is to be open and honest about your full financial history. Share where you are (aka savings, investments, credit score and debt) and where you’d aspire to be.
What are some of your financial strengths and downfalls?
Budgeting might not be a sexy word, but in marriage, creating a system for your finances is key. Establish your financial strengths and weaknesses early on. You’re a team, and you will work better together when you understand each other.
Have you ever cheated or been cheated on?
Although sharing some things might at first cause shame, there should be no secrets in a marriage. We all have a past and make mistakes. Ask the hard questions about past infidelities to see where your partner’s head and heart are now.
How do you feel about me doing things on my own?
Relationships are a mixture of connection and autonomy. You want your partner to have their own friends, hobbies and interests, just as you do. If your partner takes issue with you doing things on your own, then that might be a red flag and an indicator of a bigger issue.
What are your non-negotiables in marriage?
You and your partner should discuss your core values, aka what drives you. In a marriage, there will always be compromise and sacrifice. Ask your partner: Is there something you are unwilling to give up in marriage? Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.