Separation anxiety doesn’t begin and end in childhood. While it might start there, it is present in adult relationships. It is rooted in fear. You may fear that the person is not who they claim to be. You might worry that you’re falling for them quicker than they’re falling for you.
21 Ninety spoke to licensed professional counselor and EMDR certified therapist Kheia Hilton about the causes of separation anxiety, the impact it can have on relationships and how to handle it.
Fear
Before entering a relationship, many people live and function just fine on their own. You may wonder why the fear of being away from their partner may suddenly materialize. According to Hilton, it’s not that they’re gone. Instead, it’s that they might never return.
“It could be the fear of death or loss,” Hilton said. “For some people, it could be that their partner is being unfaithful or cheating. Also, some of us feel very grounded when we’re connected to people, so their absence might make us feel uneasy.”
The body reacts in predictable ways when we’re feeling uneasy about something. The patterns are consistent with separation anxiety.
“We might notice are racing thoughts. We might ruminate thinking about something over and over again,” Hilton said. “We’re unable to focus. There may also be physical changes. We could start sweating or feel a surge of energy going through our body. We might feel fidgety.”
Attachment Styles
In many adult behaviors, the roots can be found in childhood. A person’s attachment style is the way they interact and behave in relationships. These patterns are first established in our very first relationship.
“Our attachment style is based on the ways our parents were able to show up and meet our needs,” Hilton said. “People with an insecure attachment style may be anxiously attached to people. That person may feel difficulty with leaving someone or fear that someone may leave them.”
Trauma
If you had a secure and healthy attachment style, trauma could contribute to separation anxiety.
“Let’s say there is a move in childhood where we lose our friends and have to start all over,” Hilton said. “We start to feel anxious about the impact of that and how that shows up.”
Sudden upheaval or loss, especially in childhood, can create a lingering effect that shows up in other relationships down the line. It’s the body’s defense mechanism.
“The cool thing about our brain is it holds on to past experiences to protect us from things in the future,” Hilton explained. “I always tell people that anxiety is a normal human reaction. It’s our brain telling us to pay attention to something that feels similar to something that happened in the past that we don’t want to happen again. It could also be something that we’ve heard or seen happen to someone else.”
The Effect on Relationships
While the body is operating by design, the effects of separation anxiety can take a toll on both the person feeling the anxiety and the partner who has to leave.
“[The anxious person] may feel shame around expressing why they’re feeling the way that they feel to their partner,” Hilton said.
The anxiety and its byproducts could also cause tension and arguments in the relationship if the anxious partner starts to blame their partner for things they may or may not be doing.
“If the person with the anxiety has a strong emotional reaction when that person leaves, the other partner may feel a burden or heaviness,” Hilton said. “They may feel like they have to stay around their partner all the time, which can be difficult.”
It’s not all doom and gloom. There are some positive things that can come from having separation anxiety if the anxious partner feels safe and comfortable enough to share their thoughts and experiences.
“You may be able to discuss how you’re feeling and ways to show up differently in the relationship,” Hilton said. “It can be a way of learning more about each other.”
How to Curb your Separation Anxiety
While anxiety is a naturally occurring emotion, there are ways to balance it.
“Physically, we try grounding techniques through the five senses,” Hilton said. “Find five things that you can see, four things that you can hear, three things you can touch, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you could taste. [Use] deep breathing, meditation [and] things to bring the anxiety in our bodies down.”
Hilton uses ARC, an acronym to practice mindfulness.
- Awareness: How do you know that you are starting to feel anxious? Are you beginning to panic or sweat? Have you lost focus and feel distracted? Are you feeling a surge of electricity through your body? Are your thoughts racing?
- Release: That comes from acceptance and commitment therapy. If you notice that you are safe, you don’t have to really investigate the thoughts that are coming up. How can you be aware of the thoughts you’re having, but as gently and non judgmentally as possible? Notice them and then, let them pass. You don’t have to hold on to them.
- Challenge: You may notice that when you’re anxious, you make up stories or scenarios that are actually heightening the anxiety in those moments. If you are creating stories, we can challenge those narratives. and replace them with things that are factual. It helps us to stay present.
When is Separation Anxiety a Serious Problem?
Anxiety is something all humans experience. If you notice that your physical or mental symptoms persist for six months or more or they are impacting the way you’re able to function in daily life, then it might be time to seek professional help.
“If you’re having trouble with concentrating at work, you’re not getting out of bed, if there are these functional aspects to your anxiety– you may want to think about calling the therapist,” Hilton said.
A mental health professional can help you identify any deeper attachment issues, trauma responses that are presenting as separation anxiety. Once you identify those, you can move forward with more healthy coping mechanisms.