No matter how healthy the dynamic is, mother-daughter relationships are always complex. In healthy relationships, a mother can be a best friend, and in unhealthy ones, a trigger. Unfortunately, the wounds from these relationships can scar one pretty deeply. However, there’s nothing that intensifies having a tangled relationship with one’s mother quite like narcissism. When a parent happens to be narcissistic, it can inform their parenting style in more ways than one, often leaving the child feeling neglected and inadequate.
There are many personality attributes that can come from having a narcissistic parent, and it’s helpful to be aware of whether or not these symptoms are seeping into your adult relationships. Here are some things narcissistic mothers say, and the best way to respond in as healthy a manner as possible.
Having a Narcissistic Mother
A narcissist is someone who lives a life that revolves around themselves and lacks the ability to empathize with others. While having a narcissistic parent is a painful experience by any stretch, it can be particularly debilitating to experience having a narcissistic mother. Typically, the mother role is carried out by a caretaker who is selfless and unconditionally loving, which are rare attributes to recognize in a narcissist.
“Narcissistic parents exhibit traits that heavily influence their parenting style, often putting their own needs ahead of their children’s. These dynamics can have a lasting impact on their daughters, leading to a variety of emotional and psychological challenges,” shares Dr. Ryan Sultan, a board-certified psychiatrist, therapist, and professor at Columbia University.
He continues, “Narcissistic parents employ manipulative language and behaviors that can harm their children’s self-esteem and emotional well-being. They frequently use tactics like gaslighting, where they deny their child’s feelings or reality, causing them to question their own experiences.”
Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself in any kind of dynamic can already call on a lot of strength, but when you need protection from a relationship as intimate as a parent, it can be especially painful. Dr. Sultan continues, “Shifting blame is another characteristic of narcissistic parents, as they seldom take responsibility for their actions. They may deflect by saying, ‘If you hadn’t done [x], I wouldn’t have had to [y].'” If this behavior was commonly exhibited in your household, you may have been the child of a narcissistic mother.
Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
If you’re not sure whether or not your mother is a narcissist, or simply want clarity on which parts of her parenting were informed by narcissism, Niloufar Esmaeilpour of Lotus Therapy and Counselling Centre offers some helpful insight into some of the key phrases to look out for:
“You exist to fulfill my needs.” Narcissistic mothers often view their children as extensions of themselves and may expect their children to meet their emotional needs and desires.
“I’m always right, and you’re always wrong.” They may belittle their children’s opinions and dismiss their feelings, making the child doubt their own judgment and self-worth.
“You’re not good enough.” Narcissistic mothers may constantly criticize and undermine their child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
“You’re so lucky to have me as your parent.” They may use guilt or manipulation to control their child’s behavior and make them feel indebted for their care.
“I sacrifice so much for you.” They may use their sacrifices, real or perceived, to guilt-trip their children into compliance.
“You’re the problem, not me.” Narcissistic mothers often deflect blame onto their children, making them feel responsible for any issues in the family.
“You should be grateful for everything I do for you.” They may use their acts of kindness or generosity as leverage to maintain control over their child.
It’s important not to nurture any of the beliefs these kinds of statements may plant into your subconscious. Other common sentiments said by narcissist mothers include:
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
“You owe me for everything I’ve done for you.”
“I did everything for you and this is how you repay me? “
“You’re being too dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.”
Protect Yourself
It’s important to note that narcissistic mothers are generally unaware of the harm they may cause their children. They’re not intentionally vindictive, but rather, suffer from a personality disorder. Regardless, Dr. Sultan shares, “Being the daughter of a narcissistic parent often results in a range of emotional and psychological symptoms. These include low self-esteem due to constant criticism and comparison, and it can lead to self-doubt. The emotional turmoil stemming from such an upbringing can contribute to anxiety and depression. Difficulty in establishing boundaries in relationships, which can lead to codependency, is common. Seeking validation and approval from others to compensate for the lack of affirmation from their parent is a prevalent behavior. This can lead to a pervasive sense of insecurity and the fear of never being good enough. The pressure to meet unrealistic standards can result in perfectionism, which can be emotionally draining. Trusting others may also be challenging, given the manipulative environment in which they grew up.”
To protect your emotional, mental, and psychological well-being, as well as the quality of your revolving relationships, it’s imperative to implement unwavering boundaries. This could be in the form of no contact at all, or simply avoiding triggering subjects; honor yourself by not budging. Walking away from or ending interactions that disrespect your rules is difficult, but often necessary. Additionally, seeking therapy or counseling to address emotional wounds and develop healthier coping mechanisms can be game-changing.
You Got This, Sis
In a society that seeks to center our mental health and de-stigmatize these conversations, particularly in the Black community, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. While the journey may feel isolating at times, you prioritizing your well-being and the quality of your self-worth is crucial for our healing as a community.