TikTok trends are always the subject of conversation, the latest being the “We Listen and ‘We Don’t Judge’ Trend.” What started as a humorous challenge among friends and family members has turned into a toxic video trend in which couples air out all of their dirty laundry.
The ‘We Listen and We Don’t Judge’ Trend Explained
Essentially, the trend is just as the saying goes: “We listen, and we don’t judge.” Couples hopped on the trend sharing their honest thoughts about their partner with an understanding that those thoughts, no matter how troubling, would be received without judgement. Initially, the trend was harmless and funny, with couples sharing their annoyances about their partners snoring, or taking too long to get ready. But, now the trend is becoming toxic and potentially tearing couples apart in real time. Removing the veil of ignorance to reveal brutal honesty is not ‘keeping it 100.’ Instead, it’s doing more harm than good.
“Just because it’s true to you and you feel that way, doesn’t mean that it’s beneficial to the moment, to the person, or to the relationship,” Black woman relational trauma therapist Vernique Esther shared.
Backlash from Couples TikTok
One of the most viral examples of the ‘we listen and we don’t judge’ trend comes from the couples account @_dandnae. The video has racked up 3 million views and showcases a pregnant woman and her man doing the challenge. He says, “Sometimes, I be having dreams about having ‘you know what’ with other girls. I wake up and I still give you a kiss.” Comments under the video read, “That’s actually him testing the waters and preparing her,” and “Check his phone rn.”
Esther says the trend opens up a couple’s relationship to unnecessary critique and opinions.
“You’ve now exposed the world to the critique, which can impact how you see your partner through the opinions of other people. I don’t care how strong you are. If 1000 people are in your comments saying, ‘Girl, he hates you’ and ‘Are you sure you guys need to be together?’ That’s going to impact how you view your relationship, even if you choose to stay together.” Esther said.
A Couples Therapist Standpoint
According to Esther, there’s lots of red flags surrounding the trend. First she had concerns about airing personal grievances on a large platform such as TikTok. She also takes issue with couples saying petty things to each other that they know will hurt.
“Saying things that normally wouldn’t be an issue in the relationship, bringing it up can cause an argument, breed resentment, and create an insecurity where there wasn’t one,” Esther shared.
A Better Way to Do the ‘We Listen and We Don’t Judge’ Trend
Although the trend has taken a turn for the worse, it’s not a completely lost cause. Esther explains that it’s healthy to withhold certain pieces of information in a relationship. You should bring bigger issues and concerns to light, but you don’t always need to be brutally honest.
“With relationships, some of them are built on a foundation of niceties. These uncommunicated agreements that we have to protect one another’s emotional well being and ego,” Esther said.
Instead you should aim to be more intentional with what you say and how you say it. This looks like not admitting your partner looked fat in a dress, but instead encouraging them to rock it because it’s clearly increasing their confidence. But, don’t get it misconstrued: honesty is still really important in a relationship. Esther suggests turning the trend into sharing the things you appreciate about your partner. Perhaps the ‘we listen, and we don’t judge’ Trend can serve as a barometer for how healthy your relationship is and what needs to change.