There’s no way to sugarcoat it: grief is a devastating feat. It can blindside you, derail your life plans and introduce you to an unknown layer of unimaginable pain. Collective grief is difficult enough to navigate, but experiencing the loss of a loved one is much more personal territory. It can be difficult to communicate with anyone who has yet to experience it, leaving you feeling alone and isolated.
Not only is grieving a difficult journey but holding someone through their loss is complex, as well. Whether you understand the pain and have suffered through loss yourself, or have been lucky enough to evade it, here’s how to show up for someone during their grieving and what to say to someone who lost a loved one.
Acknowledge What Happened
Many people avoid communicating with someone grieving altogether in order to avoid triggering them, saying the wrong thing or simply feeling uncomfortable. While grief looks different on everybody and some would prefer the space, others feel isolated enough as it is. Acknowledge their loss to make sure they know they’re heard, held and have someone to console them.
Be Honest
We all think we need to have a perfect script ready when walking into a conversation with someone hurting from loss, but that’s simply not the case. As humans, we’re only doing our best, so initiating conversation from a place of honesty can be really helpful and humanizing. Something along the lines of, “I don’t know what to say, but I love you so much and want to help” or “I’m unsure of what to say in a situation like this, but I’m here to listen if you need me” can help both of you feel more safe and comfortable.
Let Them Share
Sometimes, all someone grieving needs is the company of a friend and the space to fully unravel. Saying too much gives them the responsibility to thoughtfully respond and thus hold you back, which they may not have the emotional or energetic capacity to do. Open the door for them to share their own internal stream of consciousness, especially if their community is small and they may not get the opportunity elsewhere.
Offer a Hand
Acts of service say more than words ever could in times like these. If they don’t have the energy to cook meals for themselves or keep their living spaces tidy, lending a helping hand can prove wonders. Something as simple as, “Hey, I heard about your loss and wanted to ask if you needed anything?” or “I heard and I’m really sorry. Can I do anything for you?” can really soothe their heart and allow them to depend on you.
Check In and Hold Space
It’s important to remember that when asking them how they’re doing, you may be met with a wide array of emotions, from anger to devastation. Grief is nonlinear and how they felt yesterday may look very different today. They’re not asking to be soothed, especially when you don’t have the power to take the feeling away from them. Saying things like, “I hear you. Everything you’re feeling is valid” is a beautiful way to embrace their emotions without trying to fix them.
Avoid Triggering Cliches
Amongst all the things you can say, what’s most important is to avoid the cliches that may hurt rather than help. Normalized sayings like, “This is all part of the plan,” “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place now” can feel rather dismissive, as if you’re telling them to stop feeling sad sooner.
You’re Doing Your Best
Ultimately, loss is a complex part of the human experience we’d all avoid forever if we could. Wanting to be intentional about what to say to someone who lost a loved one speaks beautifully to the respect you have for them. We’ll never navigate it perfectly because grief is imperfect, but what we can do is our best.