Setting boundaries in relationships can be difficult, especially after a breakup. You’d think that once a breakup happens, final conversations are had, and the dust settles that you can have a clean break from an ex.
However, sometimes an ex is still a part of your life. After a breakup, it’s important to set and maintain clear boundaries with an ex in order to move on, and if necessary, to coexist. Here’s how to set boundaries with an ex while determining how and in what capacity they will continue to be in your life.
Understand Your Motivation
After a breakup, understanding and identifying what the relationship will look like is the best place to start. Ultimately, setting boundaries is about protecting your time and energy after a breakup.
After understanding why you must or want to remain connected, establish the reasons behind your boundaries. It is critical for you to have a firm grasp on the motivations behind why you are creating defined space between you and your ex. This way, you can clearly communicate what your future relationship will look like to your ex and to others.
Your reasons for establishing boundaries might be a need for emotional and mental healing. You might require space for now so that you can be friends later down the road. If you experienced a bad breakup or a toxic relationship, it will be particularly necessary to understand your reason for boundaries.
Get Real About Your Limits
Establishing non-negotiables is key to setting boundaries with an ex. This will lay the groundwork for what a future, platonic relationship will look like with your ex.
When you have a framework, it’s time to establish your boundaries. These are your deal breakers and the places where you draw a firm line in the sand.
This might mean not showing up to your home or job unannounced. It might mean not calling or texting after a certain hour. It might mean you don’t hang out with mutual friends together. Another boundary might be cutting off their communication with your family.
Communicate Boundaries
Now that you have established your boundaries, it’s time to communicate them to your ex. Boundaries are no good if every person is not aware of them. Be clear about what works and what doesn’t work for you.
You can inquire about what boundaries your ex might have as well. The goal here is to establish a new dynamic that is healthy for both of you. You and your ex should both honor each other’s limits.
If one personally intentionally and consistently crosses boundaries, it is important to call out this behavior. If boundaries continue to be disregarded, this is where you must reevaluate and consider how you might enforce new boundaries with an ex. Examples include blocking his number, no longer hanging out with him, not speaking to him in public settings, or seeking legal protection.
Evaluate Over Time
Navigating a new dynamic with an ex after a breakup takes time. Give yourself time to see what works and what doesn’t. It is important to remain flexible. You might find that in some areas, you can tighten boundaries more and in other areas, you can create more space for flexibility.