Being the eldest daughter has been described as an unpaid internship, the biggest scam of all time, and criminally exhausting. It’s a birth order so complex that a term has actually been determined to encompass the experience. Eldest Daughter Syndrome unpacks the ways that being the first-born daughter shapes your personality. It is described as unwanted pressure to mature and embrace caregiver duties. While it is not a psychological ‘syndrome’, it is a term that first-born daughters use to identify common challenges and experiences.
Being the oldest sibling is sometimes comparable to being the trial run for new parents. In other cases the first-born girl steps in to act as a third parent to younger siblings. The eldest daughter syndrome validates many who see their upbringing as years of being unrecognized as substitute parents.
Eldest Daughter Symptoms
Here are some of the symptoms that may define the eldest daughter syndrome:
- Feeling like you need to be ‘perfect’ to set an example for younger siblings
- Being expected to emotionally regulate for other family members
- Not feeling entitled to your own emotions
- Responsibilities that are not age-appropriate (such as caring for elders or babies)
- Hyper-independence
- Having a hard-time letting loose or even being a child while younger
- Issues establishing boundaries
- Having a stricter upbringing than other siblings which can result in being an overachiever or high-achiever in school and later in life
Eldest Daughter Solidarity Online
Across social media, many have flocked to share stories and find community about what it truly means to be the eldest daughter.
In one video, TikToker Bey shares a highly relatable video about being the oldest daughter and what this usually entails. Some of the characteristics mentioned include being hyper-independent, providing all the gifts from siblings’ list, and feeling validated by educational achievement.
From a therapist’s perspective, the eldest daughter syndrome is a wide-reaching problem, especially for Millenials. Israa Nasir says that several of her Millenial clients are now becoming parents and confronting eldest daughter syndrome. Nasir comments that it shows up in their parenting, relationships, and is a symptom of being over-achieving/over-worrying individuals.
Oldest daughters in immigrant households have also weighed in on this trend. Sherifat expresses her gratitude for eldest sisters everywhere despite being a middle child. The comments showed a mix of solidarity and relief for being seen and appreciated.
Unlearning and Regrouping
Without a doubt, being the eldest daughter warrants some time to recover in adulthood. To do so, healing is a must.
Prioritizing healing is also important to not pass the eldest daughter syndrome on to any future first-born daughters. Those who feel they suffer from the syndrome should go to therapy or seek professional help from a practitioner who specializes in parentification.
Unlearning hyper-vigilance and hyper-independence may be a form of healing too. This can be achieved through therapy, journaling, or reading books on the topic.
It may also be a great idea to prioritize self-care and self-compassion as you heal from being an overachiever/overly reliable. maybe it is time to pour into your own cup and nurture yourself in the ways your inner child needs. Eldest daughters often feel like a carefree childhood was far from their reality and so living a life that revolves around freedom may be a great recovery tool. Unlearning guilt from indulging in me-time may not come easily. Offer yourself patience and self-compassion on your journey.
Finally, it may be useful to soften the effects of the eldest daughter syndrome by finding community. Online communities on TikTok and beyond allow others to vent and feel seen in their experiences. This sense of having others outside of your family to share with may be a great way to relieve anxiety or discomfort. Be sure to enjoy chosen support networks without falling into patterns of trauma bonding. The ease and lightness of social media may be a great initial outlet but giving yourself a chance to regroup with professional and productive methods is best.