The honeymoon phase of a relationship can often blur your view. When everything is new and exciting, it feels impossible to question whether your connection will last. Why wouldn’t it? In those early days, the passion is strong, the laughter flows, and the chemistry is electric. Then real life arrives with moving in, merging finances, and navigating emotional boundaries. With a solid foundation and honest communication, your relationship can still deepen and thrive. There’s an additional layer that often contributes to whether you’re relationship will “make it.” A recent conversation on social media boils it down to two questions to answer honestly: How will this person hold me through the loss of my parents, and how will they support me through the trauma of childbirth? Here’s why those questions matter, plus a therapist’s take on how to use them.
How Will They Hold Me Through the Loss of My Parents?
No matter what age you are, losing a parent is one of the most devastating and identity-shattering experiences you’ll ever face. Whether it happens suddenly or after a long illness, the emotional weight can feel unbearable. With that, grief is rarely linear. What you define as family has dwindled, and the role your partner plays in your life becomes much more crucial. In those moments, you’re not looking for someone to say the right thing. You’re looking for someone who can be fully present and hold you through your own undoing without trying to fix or minimize your pain.
Your parents won’t live forever, and dealing with this loss is an inevitable part of getting older. The way your partner supports you through grief reveals the depth of their emotional intelligence. Do they know how to sit with silence? Can they honor your sadness without making it about themselves? Will they still love you when you’re withdrawn, messy, or irrationally irritable? Grief is anything but soft. It can be very a very confusing roller coaster. The right partner won’t punish you for grieving in a way they don’t understand. They’ll hold space for the complexity of your healing, however long it takes.
Licensed Clinical Social Worker Natia Brown spoke to the psychological significance of these experiences within a relationship. “Grief and loss can be such a singular and lonely experience. Even though your partner may be able to relate, having someone be able to acknowledge or say ‘How can I show up for you?’ can help. Having someone to console you and just be there helps.”
If your partner lacks the capacity to be your anchor in moments of loss, they may not be equipped for the long haul. Life will constantly present heartbreak in minor and major ways. It’s important to walk this path alongside someone who can hold you. Not just when things are good, but most importantly when you’re falling apart.
How Will They Support Me Through the Trauma of Childbirth?
Even if you don’t plan to have children, the essence of this question goes far beyond just labor. It’s about how your partner shows up for you when your body, identity and emotional state are undergoing complete transformation.
Whether it’s the physical trauma your body undergoes during birth, insane hormonal surges and crashes, postpartum depression, or the tender vulnerability of becoming someone’s mother, this moment will test both your strength and the strength of your partnership.
The trauma of childbirth and postpartum isn’t more than a medical experience. It’s one that completely rewrites who you are emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Unfortunately, many women go through it feeling abandoned or emotionally invisible by the person who’s supposed to love them most. Does your partner understand what holding space during this experience really means? Will they educate themselves? Will they advocate for you? Rub your back through the contractions and hold your hand when you don’t recognize your own body? Will they care for you when you don’t think you have the strength to make it through?
Once you go back home, things continue to be emotionally uncharted. It’s a time for deep empathy and selflessness, traits that reveal the core of someone’s character. If they can’t hold your rawness, your exhaustion, your unraveling, are they really built for the depth of love you deserve?
Brown adds, “In terms of childbirth, your male partner truly may never understand what you are going through. However, understanding that anything can go wrong at any moment is important. How he supports you during this experience sets the tone for your recovery and postpartum. You will be going through a lot of physical and mental challenges. You will need someone to have patience to handle it with you.”
That support bleeds into the medical experience, as well.
“Having someone there to advocate for you in the medical setting is very important because you may not be able to. It will determine your level of communication and trust,” Brown said.
A Therapist Weighs In
When it comes to love, we often get caught up in surface-level markers of compatibility. These look like shared interests, physical attraction, and matching ambition. But it’s the emotional safety, spiritual alignment, and the ability to hold each other through life’s most intense devastation and transformation that will make or break you. These questions aren’t romantic hypotheticals; they’re reality-based reflections on what it actually means to walk through life hand-in-hand.
“These two questions make sure to highlight the importance of empathy and support in two of the most difficult challenges a woman could go through,” Brown said. “You want to know that your partner will be able to show up in your most vulnerable moments. It will show their capacity for empathy, emotional maturity and commitment. Women want a partner who will love them unconditionally and show that in those difficult moments like grief and childbirth trauma.”
Nothing will emotionally prepare you for these experiences, nor will you know how you’ll truly react until you’re in them. However, bringing up these questions with your partner and talking through them is crucial. Let them know what you need and how to support you. Your partner will undergo the same grief and parenthood transformation, so it’s important you learn how to support them, as well. If it isn’t too late, be urgent about discussing these questions before journeying through either reality, so that you know whether you’re equipped with the right teammate.