“What are we?” It’s one of the most awkward questions to ask when you’ve bypassed the first-date phase, may know each other’s last names and hung out at each other’s homes a few times. Still, you’re not quite sure if the relationship is monogamous. “Boyfriend” or “girlfriend” feels pushy. Discussions about marriage are laughable. But you may freeze up if you saw each other on the street with a date (or vice versa). This is what a situationship is, and it’s usually one of these four types.
The ‘Give It Time’ Situationship
This relationship status can be voluntary or involuntary. People who have zero issues with traveling alone don’t lose their minds when they’re single. They can go to a honeymoon island like Hawaii all by their lonesome and have the time of their lives. Meanwhile, another group would be mortified to even see a movie or eat in a restaurant alone. And this is where a situationship is more than just “complicated” on Facebook.
If two people want two different results in a relationship and one of them is happily single, a situationship can become hostile. One person could want to be in a committed relationship while the other is fine keeping it casual. In the end, the person who wants a commitment may end up blasting Janet Jackson’s “Got Til It’s Gone” and angrily leaving the easygoing partner in the wind. There’s a 50% chance that the happily single person will take those lyrics to heart, miss the other person and finally make the relationship official. There’s also a 50% chance that that same happily single person will just flip the calendar page and enjoy “me time” again.
The ‘I’m Too Old for This’ Situationship
This couple actually would like to be in a relationship but neither wants to ruin the positive dynamic they already have. They could be in a monogamous relationship without saying it. They could be only dating each other without saying it. They could spend all night on the phone and all day on text messenger with each other. But when someone asks if they’re in a relationship, the response is usually, “We’re just hanging out.” While it may seem cute as teenagers, as adults, this can get old fast. This is partially because neither party wants to spend their days and nights dedicated to someone who doesn’t want to be with them exclusively in the long run. Neither is exactly “happily single,” but one (or both) could be a divorcee or had a broken heart before and just doesn’t have the energy for a second run.
One or both may have kids (or grandkids) and doesn’t have the patience to act like the people they raised. At some point, one-half of this duo is going to give up on this laid-back dynamic if there doesn’t appear to be a clear relationship status soon. They won’t be hostile about a situationship breakup or feel like it’s anyone’s fault. They just know it’s not meant to be.
The ‘Happily Single’ Situationship
These two know exactly what they are: intimacy partners. They may never want to get married or live with each other. They like their space. Unlike the “Give It Time” situationship where only one of them wants to still be single, this duo is totally fine living their separate lives but coming together for passionate (or quick) intimacy. And then they go back to their respective corners like two extras on Creed. But unlike the “Give It Time” duo, these two are more forthright when it comes to not playing guessing games.
They’ve been tested for STIs and STDs, and they have no problem telling the other one to use protection if need be. They’ve agreed to only have unprotected sex with each other, or protected sex if they both agree to still date other people. They’re not daydreaming about being exclusive one day. They’re perfectly content with what they have. While their families and friends may still be counting down the days until these two get married or confirm their relationships, these two have no interest in doing so. Their Love Language is Physical Touch, and they have no problems admitting it.
The Situationship That Becomes a Relationship
This is the way most relationships start off. The two people meet, find out if they like each other, hang out for a bit and get to know each other. If they want to be together, it becomes official. There’s no gray area with these two. They are confidently calling each other “boo, sweetheart, hubby, wifey, other half.” They will introduce each other to families and friends. It’s a given that they’ll vacation together. They’ll have a serious conversation about choosing co-parenting and/or walking down the aisle. Every blue moon, this duo will choose common law marriage, but everyone else will say they’re as good as married anyway. They’re not splitting up any time soon. In fact, they’ve already added the other to their wills, 401(k) and estate planning.
The Reason People Don’t Understand a Situationship
The Lost Generation and Baby Boomers have been brought up in a society where you court, you date exclusively, you get married, you have kids, you work until retirement and then you use that burial insurance to lie next to each other for eternity. Gen X and Millennials are slightly more flexible with getting married and having children later in life (if at all) for a variety of reasons: being exposed to more divorcees, more broken homes, an increase in single-parent households and (sometimes) relief to not be tied to another person.
Then came Gen Zers, who see as many people who are happily single as they do in long-term, committed relationships. As each generation becomes more flexible about relationships, the stigma of being the cat lady or the lonely old man are less of a worry. This doesn’t mean everyone in their 20s and 30s (or 40s) are pro-situationship. But having a Galentine’s Day instead of Valentine’s Day or a Friendsgiving instead of Thanksgiving is not a foreign concept. Being single or in a situationship isn’t the doomsday it once was. And as long as the two people in the situationship have an understanding, onlookers’ opinions should ideally not matter as much.