I think it’s important to say from the beginning: I’m a fan of the soft life trend, especially when embraced by Black women. For generations, we’ve been expected to carry the weight of relationships, families and communities with unshakable strength. Softness was often seen as a luxury we couldn’t afford. But, thanks to a broader cultural shift and the growing influence of social media aesthetics, many Black women are finally redefining what they want and need in life and in love. Emotional safety, gentleness, reciprocity and being fully taken care of are no longer rare wishes. They’re becoming standard relationship expectations.
Part of this shift includes a desire for more ease: bills paid, luxury gifts, restful vacations and a lifestyle that centers softness over struggle. It sounds like a dream. It’s no surprise that the soft life has inspired so many women to rethink what they want from romantic partnership. But, as with anything curated and filtered through social media, there’s more to the story. The aesthetic of the soft life may be aspirational, but it can also promote a version of love that leaves little room for reality.
The Perfection Expectation
When I got married, the soft life wasn’t trending and TikTok hadn’t yet reshaped the way we talk about relationships. I was several years into my marriage before I even heard the term. Of course, the desire to marry well and live a life of leisure isn’t new. But what once may have been a private hope has now become a public expectation, especially online.
On social media, relationships are often presented as perfectly styled highlight reels. Couples go viral for choreographed date nights, surprise proposals in Paris and wedding aesthetics that look like luxury campaigns. The messaging seems to be, if your love doesn’t look like this, it may not be good enough. The result? A growing pressure to meet idealized timelines and a belief that any conflict or imperfection is a sign to leave.
I’ve witnessed this shift while living inside my own marriage. It’s a relationship that may not meet the stereotypical soft-life standards I see online. And yet, I feel peace, joy and contentment. I think it’s because I’ve learned to embrace complexities of relationship. That’s true in my friendships, family bonds and marriage. There have been seasons of missteps and seasons of growth. My husband has disappointed me. He’s also shown up in powerful, soul-affirming ways. He is, like all of us, a full human being—flawed and learning.
What concerns me most about social media’s depiction of love is the lack of conversation about grace. If softness is the goal, shouldn’t that include soft landings when things get hard?
Room for Hard Fails
It’s common for social media to push a black-and-white view of relationships. In this world daily spoiling, a lack of conflict and a spark that never dims is the expectation.
I reached out to licensed therapist, Brittney Cobb, to get a better understanding of how the soft life conversation may be impacting relationship expectations. Similar to me, Cobb, who’s also a Black woman, believes the idea of the soft life is well deserved for the women seeking one.
“The soft life aesthetic in regard to relationships has raised the bar, especially for what we believe we can have in our relationships,” Cobb said.
She also believes social media has amplified the fantasy of relationship perfection.
“Although it has encouraged Black women to set boundaries and seek out relationships that feel emotionally safe and fulfilling, not every relationship will be perfectly curated,” Cobb explained. “Here’s where I think the balance is difficult to find. The ‘soft life’ aesthetics, can overlook the nuances of what it really takes to build a sustainable, healthy partnership. There’s a difference between peace and perfection.”
The all-or-nothing mindset leaves little room for growth, conflict resolution or vulnerability. It also discourages the kind of work that helps relationships deepen over time. I can see how this might lead some women to feel dissatisfied by a perfectly healthy relationship because it doesn’t meet the Instagram version of romance.
“My advice to women who might be feeling disappointed is to remember that real love isn’t a static image or fairy tale, it evolves, it stretches, and it forces you to confront parts of yourself you might not want to. It’s not toxic or abusive or self-sacrificial. But it can be deeply uncomfortable at times,” Cobb tells 21Ninety. “So, I think it’s okay to desire ease, and I think it’s important to practice acceptance in moments that require patience, understanding or simply showing up when things aren’t as smooth as want them to be.”
A Better Way Forward
It’s time to expand the definition of the soft life in relationship. After all, softness, at its core, doesn’t mean perfection. It means alignment, peace and emotional safety. It means shared effort and being seen. Yes, it definitely can also include 100 long stem roses, luxury vacations and a partner who shows up for you financially. But real love isn’t just curated. It’s lived.
It would greatly help, if social media users and content creators would share more of the difficult parts of their relationships along with all of the highlight reels. Of course, it’s not always realistic, or even healthy, for couples to do so. Many people deeply value privacy in their partnerships, and for good reason. Working through challenges privately often leads to better resolution and deeper trust. Some things simply don’t belong in the comment section. It’s not always about hiding problems. Sometimes, it’s about protecting the relationship, which should always come first. But, this understandable desire for privacy contributes to an imbalance in what gets shared. We see the highlights, but rarely the healing. That imbalance makes it easy to assume that healthy love is always smooth, when the truth is, most lasting love lives in the nuance.
Still, I’d love to see more couples who feel safe and ready to share the less polished parts of their journey. That includes the in-between moments, the repairs and the learning curves. Not because love needs to be hard to be real, but because love that lasts usually is layered. Showing more of that spectrum helps create space for grace, not just for our partners, but for ourselves.
Real Love Is Worth It
The soft life is powerful and revolutionary. It gives Black women permission to rest, receive and expect more. Softness, however, is not the absence of struggle. It’s the presence of safety in the midst of it. It’s not about never being disappointed, but rather being able to talk through disappointment and be met with compassion.
So yes, keep your standards high. Keep your expectations clear. But also leave space for real life to happen because that’s where the good stuff grows.